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01 March 2012 @ 02:31 pm
fic, Dark Tower: dark tower: a space odyssey (PG13)  
Title: the dark tower: a space odyssey [AO3]
Characters: Eddie, Roland, Susannah, Jake, Oy
Rating: PG13
Word count: 1700 ca
Spoilers: AU, canon references until The Wastelands, but that's it.
Warnings: crack. Mentions of former heroin addiction and imprisonment on a death sentence, but if you read the original then this is totally tame.
Disclaimer: everything belongs to Stephen King and the title is lovingly stolen from Stanley Kubrick. Nothing is mine.
Summary: All right, it is a serious journey, but you can’t blame Eddie if once in a while he jokes about it; when you’re in space, headed towards a black hole, in company of a crazy scientist, a girl who switches personalities like you turn on and off the light, a still grieving kid and a dog-slash-ferret that repeats what you say, either you make fun of that or you don’t survive. Or: wherein the Dark Tower is a black hole and Roland is the scientist who wants to neutralize it to save the universe along with his small and weird crew.
A/N: written for wandersfound for a comment porn meme ages ago. I totally have no excuses for this. Just go with it, okay?

“This journey isn’t a joke,” Roland says for the umpteenth time, and Eddie asks himself for the umpteenth time what possessed him to accept.

Right, he remembers, after all it was a possible death sentence against the highly likely chance of dying sucked in by a dark hole that in fifty years or so might eat the Earth if some suicidal fools don’t stop it, and when he was a stupid little kid and Henry still hadn’t been using, he had wanted to be an astronaut.

Then again, when you’re stranded on a spaceship named ka-tet (after the name of the entire project – apparently ka means fate in some language Eddie hadn’t caught when being explained), with only three other people and some strange kind of pet for company, you can’t be expected to take everything so goddamn seriously.

Also, Eddie has an idea that no one thinks this little expedition is ever going to work, considering where their boss had gone to find the members and the budget he was given.

Not to mention that if Henry was still alive Eddie would probably kill him himself – one thing is starting to shoot up and bring your little brother along, another is actually do illegal shit and driving while under the influence after stealing a ton of heroin from your dealer, who accidentally works for the mafia, too. Oh, and killing an entire family because of course you don’t watch the lights when you do such a thing. The problem is that Eddie had been in the car too (under the influence as well), and Henry had died on the spot, and no one was going to believe Eddie when he said that he had honestly no idea and that Henry had just dragged him out of the house and into the car.

And then six months later he’s sure they’re going to have his head and this tall, dark and ugly guy who looks like Clint Eastwood and looks at you with eyes that seem to take you apart just by meeting yours comes into his cell and starts blathering. About this dark hole aptly named dark tower that might eat the solar system, and then it turns out that he’s some kind of soldier-scientist that seems right out of Terminator and that he has a plan to make the thing implode. Except that no one thinks it’s worth a damn and after the hole ate the last two spaceships that were sent in its way, no competent scientist would risk their neck. Except for said dark, tall and ugly (whose name is Roland, by the way), who has therefore the budget for a small ship and two, maximum three people. Eddie had wanted to know why the heck was Roland asking him, and the answer had been that Eddie was apparently the only match for all the requirements Roland had put in the search engine among every prisoner sentenced to death or life service in the entire US. And that it also was clear that he hadn’t really done anything of what they were imprisoning him for, which meant that Roland wasn’t bringing a deranged serial killer on the ship.

So Eddie had said yes – hell, if Roland’s crazy plan worked he had saved his life and if not, well, he’d get to live a while longer.

Then he had found out that the same way Roland’s search engine had given him as a result for the inmates, it had also searched in psychiatric wards in hospitals and that’s where Roland had found the second person.

Susannah is a lovely girl, Eddie thinks, who he admires if only because she manages to live on a spaceship without a problem even if on Earth she was stuck on a wheelchair (some crazy serial killer had pushed her under a subway when she was eight or so). Detta, her second personality, is a lot less lovely and curses a lot more, but she had appreciated not being in said psychiatric ward enough to keep on piloting the ship.

Detta is also convinced that Roland and Eddie are fucking. Susannah always apologizes whenever she’s back in control. Eddie never tells her that sometimes he thinks he wouldn’t mind if they were.

Then there’s Jake, who is twelve and was never supposed to be here, but he’s the son of one of the people who died when it was first found out about the Dark Tower – he had been in a spaceship headed towards Orion and they had encountered the thing and that was it. Jake’s dad was also Roland’s colleague or something like that and really, Eddie’s confirmation that Roland is insane was finding out that he had actually hid the kid in the ship so that he could come with them. Since Jake was so set on going. Oh, and the kid also brought his genetically modified pet – Eddie is sure the thing is a mix between a dog, a ferret and a parrot, since it repeats what you say.

Also, the way Roland talks about that hole is frightening enough that it reminds Eddie of Ahab in Moby Dick, and every time Eddie thinks that he regrets having ever read that book in prison. All right, it is a serious journey, but you can’t blame Eddie if once in a while he jokes about it; when you’re in space, headed towards a black hole, in company of a crazy scientist, a girl who switches personalities like you turn on and off the light, a still grieving kid and a dog-slash-ferret that repeats what you say, either you make fun of that or you don’t survive.

“Lighten up, I know. Geez, you forgot how to laugh or something?”

“More or less since all of my friends disappeared inside that,” Roland replies, and Eddie wishes he kept his mouth shut. Right – guy has reasons to get personal here. Apparently the ship that failed the second mission had been carrying his two best friends and his girlfriend – proof that you should never limit the extent of your social life to your work environment.

“All right, sorry. That was uncalled for. It’s just – I can’t go against almost certain death so seriously. I’m sure it was in my profile.”

From the pilot’s cabin, Detta shouts that they should just get on with it and suck each other off once and for all.

Roland remains absolutely nonplussed.

“It was. And while it’s irritating, I guess it’s better than resentful.”

“Why the hell should I be resentful? If it wasn’t for you I’d be dead already. And not so honorably.”

Roland doesn’t smile – not quite – but his shoulders lose tension. Just slightly.

“I know how hopeless this quest is. And don’t think I don’t regret having brought Jake along, even if he chose it. But I can’t just let it go.”

Eddie nods, keeping any remark to himself. (He resents Roland a lot less since Jake told him that his parents were divorced, his mother had moved to Europe and hadn’t been back when his father disappeared; the kid was apparently living with Roland because there was no one else who’ d take him in and had no other close family.)

“If it takes my life, I’m going to stop it.”

And ours, Eddie thinks, but then again he isn’t the kind of ass who thinks his own life worth more than… well, the universe. Considering how fast the Dark Tower has been growing (and really, he had always imagined dark holes as… holes, not as vertical endless rectangles) it has probably put an end to at least a couple of galaxies. Maybe it also put an end to other kinds of life – not that Eddie ever was one to think that aliens were on Area 51, but he has always figured that if there was life on Earth, it had to be somewhere else too if only for mere probability. He wouldn’t bet money on their little ship to stop its advance, but hey, if Roland has spent three years finding a way and he’s so sure that it’ll work, then Eddie will just buy it. It’s not as if the ship doesn’t need maintenance. With Roland studying maps and revising his plans all day and Susannah piloting the ship (while training she had ended up being the best at it, so they leave it to her) someone needs to clean and cook and think about the nosy little things that make a ship a place you can live in. (Clearly the Ka-Tet isn’t the kind of fancy new ship where dust sweeps itself off and computers cook delicious Thai dinners for you; not only they gave Roland a crappy crew, they also gave him a crappy ship.) He doesn’t have time to get bored.

“We will. You think we all followed you here because dangerous situations give us thrills?” He has discussed it with Susannah at times – the both of them didn’t go on a suicide mission just because it was still better than what they had. They did it also because if Roland really manages to make that thing implode, they save their planet. “Don’t brood too much. There are still at least two years ahead before we pull a 2001 and start arguing with the autopilot. At least you could say what you want for dinner for once.”

Roland rolls his eyes at him, but it’s almost a fond gesture. Eddie counts it as a victory.

“Are you sure you don’t know already?”

Right, Eddie thinks. The only thing Roland seems to genuinely like eating are burritos. Eddie should be thankful that there are supplies for eating burritos for the next ten years.

“I’m afraid I do. Fine, fine, but you can forget the extra onions.”

He heads for the kitchen, almost tripping into Jake’s furry friend. He hears Detta screaming that they’re like an old married couple and they really should fuck each other good and proper.

He thinks that if he survives he could write a book about all of this, but he also suspects no one would believe that they did save the world, after all. But it’s fine enough. If anything, the next two years won’t be boring.

End.
 
 
feeling: amusedamused
on rotation: advertising on the radio
 
 
 
cassiopeia7: Clint: The Man With No Namecassiopeia7 on March 16th, 2012 02:25 pm (UTC)
You win ALL the internets. Every last one of them!
*reads*
*blinks*
*re-reads*
*stares*
*flails*

Holy crap, you wrote a Stephen King/Arthur C. Clarke/Stanley Kubrick fusion? What? How the HELL do you come up with these things?!? HOW?? Will there be more in this vein? Because there really needs to be. Please? *puppy eyes*

There was no way in hell I wasn't gonna read something named "dark tower: a space odyssey," and indeed, the fic is as friggin' perfect and beautiful and brilliant as its title.

this tall, dark and ugly guy who looks like Clint Eastwood

That's just WRONG. Shame on you. XD

a mix between a dog, a ferret and a parrot

I always visualized Oy as a sentient raccoon, but this? Best description ever.

the ship that failed the second mission had been carrying his two best friends and his girlfriend – proof that you should never limit the extent of your social life to your work environment.

OMG. O_o You really are insane, aren't you? LMAO!

Also, excessive eating of burritos should not be permitted in a closed environment such as a spaceship. That's all I'm sayin'. ;)

He hears Detta screaming that they’re like an old married couple and they really should fuck each other good and proper.

Susannah was my favorite, but Detta's got a point. ;)

So, erm . . . who IS the psychotic, omnipotent computer? Blaine? Will a knowledge of prime numbers and arcane riddles be required to operate the ship? XD

Janie, I LOVE THIS!! &hearts&hearts&hearts

*has got to re-read the entire King series from the beginning*
the female ghost of tom joad: dark tower roland/eddie 2.0janie_tangerine on March 16th, 2012 02:32 pm (UTC)
Re: You win ALL the internets. Every last one of them!
LOLOLOL IDEK. The person who commented at that post was like 'give me whatever you want' and ages ago she had written a yuletide letter that said 'heck I'd love a DT space AU' and I was like 'okay lol let's just go for it shall' we. So I have no freaking idea where this insanity came from, really. Maybe I shouldn't have watched 2001 more than once.... also lol well I was sure that no one was going to read it but I really like this craziness so who knows, I might write more of that just for the kicks of it.

Also hey, I think Clint is LOVELY, it's Eddie that calls Roland long, tall and ugly. ;) ;) It's not me! I swear!

You really are insane, aren't you? LMAO!

I figured that in for a penny, in for a pound. I had to re-work that backstory in, didn't I? ;) Also no worries, Eddie doesn't put too many onions in the burritos also for self-preservation *cough*

Hahaha I'll admit that Detta was my favorite of the bazillion Suzie personalities, but she cracked me up. And she totally slashed them. Good girl that one... >__>

Also LOL YES THE COMPUTER COULD TOTALLY BE BLAINE. Gosh now I really have to write a sequel here it goes ballistic and they have to figure out the prime numbers thing while answering riddles and Eddie fucks the computer with pop culture references...

But that said thanks! :DDDD I'm really glad you enjoyed this total crack. And YES DT RE-READS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME AND A RIGHT THING TO DO. <3
cassiopeia7: Clint: The Man With No Namecassiopeia7 on March 16th, 2012 02:59 pm (UTC)
Re: You win ALL the internets. Every last one of them!
LOL, after reading it a third time, I've gone and recced you. Because I'm still all flaily, it's a rather incoherent rec, I fear, but still a rec. ;) Gotta admit, I never, not in a million years, would have thought of such a combination. Girl, YOU DONE GOOD! \o/

now I really have to write a sequel ...

Why, yes. Yes, you do. *offers bribe*