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08 February 2009 @ 01:20 am
fic, Lost: Anger at Lies Lasts Forever (dead!Boone, sort of Locke), PG13 for un_love_you  
So this is basically what I write when I need to write reaction fic and don't even try to be remotely objective about it. Blame it also on frustration with the local news and physics research.

Title: Anger at Lies Lasts Forever
Rating: pg13
Pairing: undead!Boone, sort of Locke
Word counting: 1070 or so
Disclaimer: if Lost was mine, a certain thing last episode wouldn't have happened. Which means, Lost is not mine.
Spoilers: it presumes having seen 5x04.
Summary: The point is that words can indeed kill; and putting together a sentence that can kill you even if you’re already dead is pretty remarkable.
A/N: for un_love_you #17, I hate you, you jerk (well, it was bitch but I conveniently switched). This is just me dealing with that certain sentence. If Locke is your favorite character or you didn't mind a certain thing he said last episode then this isn't what you want to read. I mean it. Also, second person POV.

I needed that pain to be where I am now.

The point is that words can indeed kill; and putting together a sentence that can kill you even if you’re already dead is pretty remarkable.

No one knows you’re there; but whatever is happening, you are being affected, too, and where the living go, you all go. You stuck around Locke and Sawyer mainly because they’re the only ones you know (Charlie was with Rose and Bernard last time you saw him and Shannon was, too; some others are trailing behind just because you don’t have many other options here). You shouldn’t have.

A sentence can’t literally kill you when you already died, but it can be as sharp as a knife as it virtually cuts through your skin and stabs you in a heart that stopped beating three months or ten minutes ago, it depends on how you count time. Not that it matters. It can make you feel a burning, aching pain when you were sure you could never feel something as strong ever again. You wonder if maybe it means you could also feel the contrary, but you doubt that anything could ever bring you any kind of joy in this sort of limbo you’re all stuck in. It makes your stomach turn and twist and your hands shake with rage, it makes you almost feel alive with anger and you hate it, you hate it as much as you hate him right now because it’s an illusion, nothing more than an illusion and he isn’t allowed to give you any. Not after this.

You never hated anyone your whole life. Just sticking to the last month and a half of it, you never hated Shannon (and you had your reasons: conned, used, tossed away like a damaged good, and she also broke your heart in the process), you never hated Sayid for taking her away (she never was yours in the first place), you only pretended to hate Jack when he saved your life for the first time (well, that was stupid), you never hated Sawyer for the inhalers story (it was also your fault and the guy obviously had issues and the punishment he got was one you abhorred), you never really had any reason to hate anyone else you’ve known (and you never thought hate was a good policy anyway), you never hated John until now, even if you had reasons. He brought you there, he knew, he lied to Jack, then you were a sacrifice the island demanded; and it wasn’t even a quick and painless sacrifice, for that matter. Nonetheless, you never hated him. You just never did because after all maybe there could be a reason. He always knew better than you. He could have been right. You don’t know, it’s not like death made you wiser in that sense. Your death might have had a sense that you still couldn’t grasp.

I needed that pain to be where I am now.

But then... you had thought he’d have cared, for a while. That he’d regret it just a little bit, at least. That if given the occasion, maybe he’d have done things differently. After all, you did trust him with your life (and well, not the smartest policy).

What he said before wasn’t good, not really, but this? This means you were a mean to an end which doesn’t mean anything nice at all (hey, isn’t John saying he’s going to die here or what?), that you just died for nothing since he practically said it meant nothing, that he just never gave a damn and if he ever did once, why, it was destiny. And the best thing is that John probably doesn’t even know what exactly he needed that pain for. You hadn’t needed it. Not really. You’d have rather gone without suffering like that. It’s just pretty much fucking great to hear he needed it.

You regret the second you said you were relieved (you lied; you really never were anyway); you regret the second you didn’t go straight to Jack to tell him about that hatch, you regret ever listening to him when he wouldn’t tell you what was up. But the most terrifying thing is that when that aching pain fades, something else starts burning from some place inside you and you might have never hated anyone but you recognize a first time when it happens. There’s a first time for everything, after all.

I needed that pain to be where I am now.

And I think I really, really hate you, it’s what goes through your head in endless, spinning circles and you almost feel ashamed for it, but the point is that you do. You just do and you wonder if he’d say the same thing to your face. You almost wish you could cry, except that you can’t, dead people don’t cry, even if you can remember how it felt once when tears burned there in your eyes, ready to burst out.

You never even thought about it since you died; but now you can recall it exactly and you don’t know if you hate John more for being the one that led you where you are or for giving you this disgusting, faint, delicious and tragic illusion of life that you know won’t ever turn into reality. For a fleeting second you think you’ll give him a hell of a welcome if and when he joins your ranks; then you realize that it wasn’t only rightful anger, but also mean and cruel and a lot of other things you never thought you were or could be. Because come on, you might have had your share of flaws but you never were mean or cruel, but it looks like you can be that way. And it’s so scary that you’d throw up, if you weren’t, well, dead. Throwing up is reserved for the living, as crying is, as feeling involved should be, as feeling anything more than quiet resignation and acceptance should be. But now you do feel it and you can’t even show it and it’s his fault. Of course it is. And yours, too, because this just means you still haven’t accepted being gone (you thought you had. Wrong. Indeed). You just know that with your illusion of acceptance any sort of peace you might have achieved with much effort will be gone, too; and guess who took it away. You don’t know if this makes you just hate him even more.

feeling: cynicalcynical
elliotsmelliot: Booneelliotsmelliot on February 8th, 2009 02:35 pm (UTC)
This is raw. I feel your anger combining with Boone's. Neither of you are vengeful people but you are also not infinitely patient when it comes to John. The idea of Boone shadowing Locke and Sawyer because he has not other choice, except who to follow was so sad. This half existence made me even angrier at Locke. The pain continues after death, but Locke is not the one feeling it.

A sentence can’t literally kill you when you already died, but it can be as sharp as a knife as it virtually cuts through your skin and stabs you in a heart that stopped beating three months or ten minutes ago, it depends on how you count time.

The idea of time having little meaning after death and how that in itself makes the pain so fresh was expressed so well in this sentence. I also loved the part where he listed who else he might have hated but never did. The inclusion of Sayid was interesting as I often forget how affected Boone was by his actions with Sawyer and Shannon.

I hope you feel better getting some of this energy of your system. At least you can be pleased that it was used to produce this incredibly powerful piece.

Edited at 2009-02-08 02:35 pm (UTC)
the female ghost of tom joad: lost constantjanie_tangerine on February 8th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC)
Uhm, I think I feel better indeed with this being out even if that doesn't mean I'm alright with Locke or that I will be anytime soon. ;)

Woah, thanks so much. ♥ I guess I was channeling three seasons' worth of frustration here including last episode's and I knew it was going to be harsh, so it really means a lot to hear it worked. And well, I am patient and not vengeful but enough is enough and I can't exactly picture Boone being fine with it either.

I think that part you quoted was my favorite so definitely happy to hear it delivered. I usually don't make the Lost afterlife miserable but this time it just fit better with the whole concept and it just felt right to go that way. Also re Sayid, I've always thought he was a pretty fundamental character in Boone's storyline (apart from Shannon and the inhalers, he was also the one giving the speech) so I figured I could include him here, too.

Thanks so much again really, I'm really glad that you liked this one. ♥
Janice: lost s5 picjaydblu on February 8th, 2009 03:56 pm (UTC)
I not only read and pictured this, but I also felt it. i agree with elliotsmelliot that you used your anger with Locke's phrasing to turn out something pretty incredible.
I really hope Boone turns up this season, because they really opened the door for it. And truly, you're not the only one around the net who wondered why he didn't show up.
the female ghost of tom joad: INDEEDjanie_tangerine on February 8th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
Well, then I'm glad to hear I'm in good company here! ;) Seriously, he needs to show up again or I won't be happy at all, especially after they crushed my heart again. *sigh*

Thank you so much, it really means a lot that you liked it. I guess that I was just channeling three seasons of being frustrated at Locke but that line was just pretty much it. My patience has limits. ;) ♥ thanks again!
Creature Of Hobbit: boone - prettiertellshannon815 on February 8th, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
Loved this - great way of getting it all out of your system! I too hope he will be back st some point.

(Btw, I'm hoping to start the "Boone as one of the Oceanic Six" soon, trying to plan it all out as we speak!)
the female ghost of tom joad: lost constantjanie_tangerine on February 8th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much, definitely glad that you liked it! I needed to get that out INDEED. ;)

(AND YAY!!! *is very happy to hear it*)
Creature Of Hobbit: boone: ropestellshannon815 on February 10th, 2009 10:26 pm (UTC)
I don't know when it's likely to be posted as I suspect it's gonna end with Boone getting back to the island, and I know where I'm at with the "There's No Place Like Home" stuff but still working on where to fit him into current S5 canon.

Would it be too much to also create new flashbacks i.e. Boone arguing with Sabrina because she admits to doubting Shannon, then admitting to her that she was right, Nicole objecting to Boone going to Sydney, how Boone reacts to Ana shooting Shannon, a scene on the Searcher where Boone backs Hurley in what he says, telling Locke where he can stick his suggestion of climbing into the Beechcraft?

(All just ideas at the moment!)
the female ghost of tom joad: lost boone bondagejanie_tangerine on February 11th, 2009 12:05 am (UTC)
Well, I'm patient. ;) I like him getting back! As long as he keeps away from Locke.

Uhm, I think that it wouldn't be too much indeed! They're all pretty great actually, and all make sense. I'd love to see the Nicole one (and the Hurley one), but after writing the girl I grew attached to her. ;)
Adventureland: Lost: Miles & Dan - Haunting Nerdy Assadventureland on February 8th, 2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
OMG I love your fics so much *___*
Lost is really lacking of Boone!! I was hoping that he would pop up at some point in the episode where Locke discovered the plane again! But... no :(

Btw, I am big lost geek myself and thought of adding you ^^
I didn't know where I should write this so I did it here xD
So hope you don't mind :D
the female ghost of tom joad: lost daniel/desmondjanie_tangerine on February 8th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
Of course I don't mind, that's just fine! Added you back. ;)

And thank you so much, I'm really glad that you like them! ^^ And Lost is lacking Boone INDEED. *rolls eyes* I was SO hoping for that, too... *sigh*