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18 February 2010 @ 12:20 am
fic, Supernatural: Insides Out (f!Castiel, Dean/Castiel implied), PG13  
Okay, so this so was not what I should have been doing yesterday but it came out on a whim while I was listening to what is mentioned in the A/N and I figured I'd just go with it. Damn, I should finish stuff I owe instead.

Title: Insides Out
Characters/Pairing: f!Castiel, implied Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG13 to stay very safe
Wordcount: 1067
Spoilers: for 5x04.
Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine and the title is Jordan Zevon's. I do not own, sadly for me.
Summary: He takes a breath when he's done and listens to all the voicemails again and again and again and then again all over.
A/N: heavily based on Jordan Zevon's Insides Out. I basically wrote it on a whim whim having that song on. Which is awesome, by the way. Using for 2x5obsessions #3, an empty room full of sound. Set some year and a half before present!Dean's trip.

At least I've got pictures and memories
Saving your voice on my phone machine
The bits and the pieces of something that almost feels like a dream
A drink, a pill, but still you can't escape reality
When you're turning insides out

Insides Out, Jordan Zevon


No one knows that he still has his cellphone.

Dean stopped caring about it the second Castiel couldn’t teleport anymore and since then he hasn’t really needed it. But he hasn’t thrown it away. He still has it, along with the charger. He puts it in charge the rare times they have electricity. Castiel realizes it’d be a lot more practical to just leave it somewhere without worrying about it, but he just can’t throw it away.

Not when on that phone there’s everything he has left of Dean, these days.

These days, Dean barely looks at him; these days, Dean spends time slicing demons in a cabin near enough that Castiel can hear the screams. He never wants to see that, if only because he has already seen it once (when Dean was in Hell) and he really, really doesn’t think he can handle the experience here. When he pulled Dean out, everyone had a chance at redemption; right now, he’s pretty sure no one has. And so he stays away and maybe calls someone for a quickie, because if there’s one thing he learned from Dean is that sex and alcohol work magic, when you need to forget.

(He found out about the drugs on his own. Sometimes he’s sorry that he never got around to appreciate rock n’ roll, from the way Chuck talks about it and the way Dean used to talk about it, it was probably worth appreciating.)

He’s alone now, and he can hear the screams still; he sighs and sits on his mattress, bringing a knee up to his chest. He turns the small phone on, and can’t help the soft hint of a smile that always appears on his lips whenever he sees the background picture. It’s him and Dean, some two months after the whorehouse fiasco, in front of Elvis Presley’s childhood house in Tupelo; they had been there following a lead for the Colt, but Dean had said that since they were there they might go and visit a fucking real sanctuary.

(Castiel hadn’t had an idea of who Elvis Presley was back then; he remembers that Dean spent the whole ride playing his only Elvis tape.)

And then, when they were there, he had stopped some random passer-by and asked them, you mind taking a picture of me and my friend here?, with Castiel’s phone, of course, because Dean would have never let anyone find such a thing on his own. In the picture, Dean is wearing that leather jacket of his that he threw away the day after Detroit and that Castiel keeps among his things (Dean doesn’t know, of course) and is smiling at the camera, open, relaxed, happy; Castiel is wearing his old coat (Jimmy’s old coat) and is looking kind of dumbfounded, like he doesn’t really get what’s going on.

(Sometimes he wishes he was still like that. Ignorance can be such bliss.)

He loved that picture. He still does. He still looks at it even if it hurts. It reminds him that once they had something, even if now it’s lost.

He sighs and presses the menu button, heading straight for the saved voicemails.

Most times, he thinks that having kept them is the most pathetic thing he has done in his entire existence, but he’s glad he has, after all; because they’re everything that’s left of the Dean who used to be his friend and whom Castiel used to love, cherish and want like he had never loved, cherished and wanted anything else.

He presses play and brings the phone to his ear.

Hey Cas, I was just checking in. Still searching for God, huh? Maybe you should try in Graceland. Who knows, maybe he likes Elvis. Give me a call when you get this, okay?

Uh, hi. I guess you’re busy, but it’s not like you don’t have stuff to do. It’s just, I’m at this place and I thought you’d like it, but clearly you aren’t there and when you get this I’ll be gone, so… we’ll do that another time.

Sorry for earlier, I was researching and damned libraries won’t let you keep a phone turned on. If you wanted to tell me something, either call or... well, it’s room 13, Heart of Georgia motel in Riceboro. Drop by if you can?

Cas? Uh, thanks for yesterday evening. Damn, I really passed out on you, didn’t I? I didn’t think you’d drink me under the table like that. Anyway, thanks for bringing the car back, too. I owe you another drink, I guess. Won’t get that smashed next time though.

Listen, I’m in Sioux Falls and I’ve just passed this cinema. They’re showing goddamn
It’s A Wonderful Life for freaking Christmas Eve and since you need to start working on that pop culture, if you can, why don’t you call me and we can meet this evening?

Bobby says thanks for that book, by the way, and that you shouldn’t always fly off like that. Oh, and idijit angel. Sorry, just saying what he’s saying.

Cas, the hell? It’s been three weeks and you aren’t answering, what’s going on?

Castiel sighs. What was going on was that he had lost his teleporting ability and that he had left his charger in Dean’s motel room last time, and he had to walk and hitchhike all the way to Bobby’s. The worst thing is that he remembers every single one of the occasions in which Dean left those messages, though well, having the memories isn’t so bad. At least he has something.

He reaches for the Oxycodone bottle on his nightstand and his hands shake as he manages to get a couple out; he swallows them dry and then washes everything with a drink of disgusting warm whiskey that he keeps near his excuse for a bed.

He takes a breath when he's done and listens to all the voicemails again and again and again and then again all over until the battery is half used up, trying to find his Dean (who doesn’t exist anymore, or barely does by now) in there again.

No matter that the other one, the real one, the one whom Castiel calls fearless leader because while he’ll follow him always at least he needs to state that he perfectly understands how fucked up they came to be, is in the other cabin turning insides out.

feeling: tiredtired
on rotation: insides out - jordan zevon
(Deleted comment)
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas riverjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 12:05 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you! I was basically going for that so.. ;_; damn, that's why I like f!Castiel with p!Dean. ;) Nah, seriously, I'm really glad you liked it despite the total angst overload. <333
caz2y5: dude wheres my hugcaz2y5 on February 18th, 2010 12:07 am (UTC)
awww this is beautiful in its own sad way. the fact they both changed and cas clings to something that doesnt exist anymore. well done love
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural future!cas ;___;janie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:01 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! And yeah. F!Cas just strikes me as someone who'd do that. Which is actually so sad I can't even start to say. :( I'm so glad you liked it, thanks again!
Xarixianxarixian on February 18th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)
Aw no ): Really good image of future Cas, and quite how he grew to be like he was in the flashforward; was never because of losing his grace, it was losing Dean ;_; so sad! I hope this future doesn't happen in the series. Would be gutting to see them this way. It's already heart wrenching enough to see them as broken as they are in the present, without adding torture to Dean and drugs to Cas.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural deanjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:06 am (UTC)
:( Sorry about that, there's a reason why I don't write future!Cas if current Dean isn't around. I tend to depress myself too. :( But yeah I think that he was like he was mostly because of Dean, not just because of his humanity. I swear that if it really happens I'll cry for one week. And word on that. Glad you liked this though, thank you!
Passive Aggressive Heterophobejuanitatequila on February 18th, 2010 12:37 am (UTC)
Cas and his phone...having all those memories stored on there. </3!!!! :"(!
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural nerdy little winged guyjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:07 am (UTC)
*hands chocolate* sorry for the whole thing being utterly depressing, f!Cas has that effect on yours truly. ;_; <3 at least he has them somewhere, right? Thanks for reading!
Kevin Jonesmulder200 on February 18th, 2010 12:43 am (UTC)
Ah! Poor Cas! THat's so sad!
the female ghost of tom joad: tangerinesjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:08 am (UTC)
Sorry about that! :( And yes, poor Cas indeed. Thanks for reading though!
Rainbow Tits Mcgeemisdreya on February 18th, 2010 01:54 am (UTC)
This was literally PAINFUL to read. God damnit. Why did I do that?

VERY well written, that it can pull this kind of emotion out of me. D:

God damnit.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural cas tweetjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:10 am (UTC)
I think that I'm still asking myself while did I write that because it was kind of painful to write for me too, so at least we're in two? :(

I'm so glad that you liked it though! And yeah. Damn. I so hope that it doesn't happen for real. :(
m. something-or-otherspacefragments on February 18th, 2010 03:11 am (UTC)
oh, so painful. such a great contrast to the attitude cas displayed in that episode. i can fully believe that *this* was buried under *that*.

the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural future!cas ;___;janie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:11 am (UTC)
Yeah, I think that in order to arrive where he was in 5x04 he must have gone through something like this. Argh. It pains me even if I think about it. :( Thanks for reading!
K: Dean/Castielcassandra_leeds on February 18th, 2010 03:34 am (UTC)
Really beautiful and OMG heartbreaking! I love so many of the images in this fic! And this f!Cas is dead on for me. I love it.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas finale #1janie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:12 am (UTC)
Aw, I'm so glad you liked it! And that you liked the characterization too. I'll admit I was going for heartbreaking, so good to know it worked in that regard. ;) Thanks so much!!
Polo Molo: Not drunk enoughslartibartfast on February 18th, 2010 09:54 am (UTC)
Ohh this his heart-breaking in such a beautiful way. ♥ Poor Cas. Poor Dean.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural deanjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:12 am (UTC)
I think that poor them completely sums it up. :( I'm so glad you liked it, thank you so much! ♥
lexhibition on February 18th, 2010 10:22 am (UTC)
This was really interesting; Castiel using drugs not to forget, but to block out the present so he can remember Dean as he was. Lovely. And the voice messages are just heartbreakingly bittersweet. :(
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas the endjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I'm really so happy to hear that my f!Cas take worked for you. It seemed plausible, you know? I mean, forgetting isn't always the reason you use drugs I guess. Also it makes me glad to know that the voicemails worked as well. Thanks so much again! <3
Daisy Droste: Dean/Caszoemathemata on February 18th, 2010 02:13 pm (UTC)
that was so sad! oh and the picture of them at graceland and how he sees how he used to look a little dumbfounded... broke.my.heart.


so sad!
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas ANGSTjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
*hands tissue*

I was wanting to cry while writing it myself. Go me? Much glad you liked the Elvis bit though, I really kind of liked the idea of sending them there. :( And f!Cas is heartbreaking as a general rule I guess but.. yeah. :( Thanks for reading though! <3
L: Love Sucks Shades [The Veronicas]24snowyli_chan on February 18th, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)
okay ow. and this was so touching and angsty at the same time. great job on this *mems*
the female ghost of tom joad: tangerinesjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 10:58 pm (UTC)
*is flattered* thanks so much! I was kind of aiming for the touching bit so good to know it worked on that side too. Glad you liked it!
Megan, Mistress of Luci: Spn_Mishadark_princess17 on February 18th, 2010 04:17 pm (UTC)
Oh that was so heart-breaking :( Poor, poor Cas :(

the female ghost of tom joad: misha collinsjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 11:01 pm (UTC)
Er... yeah, I have no excuses. :( Poor baby. I need to write some extra fluff now, lol. Thanks for reading!! <3
Hallie Jade: angel's handprintangelshandprint on February 18th, 2010 05:49 pm (UTC)
it made me cry
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural + nick cave = otpjanie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 11:03 pm (UTC)
*hands tissue* Sorry about that, I hope it was for good reasons though. :( thanks for reading!
(no subject) - angelshandprint on February 19th, 2010 06:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
bold_seer: casbold_seer on February 18th, 2010 06:35 pm (UTC)
I'm not entirely sure when one should read fics like this. If you're happy it makes you go :( and if you're already miserable it hardly helps. But then again a good fic is a good fic - so, I guess the answer is whenever?

I love, love, love the idea with the messages. And every. Single. One of them. That there are these heartbreaking traces left of Dean, and that Cas clings to them like that.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural future!cas ;___;janie_tangerine on February 18th, 2010 11:10 pm (UTC)
Ah, that's a perfectly legitimate question. Once I read something in the same vein but with Dean saying yes and being uber-angst the day I failed that exam in January and I literally ended up sobbing. Which I almost never do while reading fic. So.. but I'd have still read that, it was so good. :(

And I'm really glad you liked this one! I kind of had my perverse fun coming up with them. Now I'd want to do the same idea without the angst but I'll see. And just, when I heard that song I got the literal image and I had to write it. Thank you so much! <3