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18 July 2010 @ 01:07 pm
fic, rps: the fake gay couple from Cincinnati (Mark Pellegrino, Titus Welliver etc.) PG13  
Title: the fake gay couple from Cincinnati
Rating: PG13, mostly for wackiness
Characters/Pairing: Mark Pellegrino, Titus Welliver; mentions of half of the Lost/Supernatural cast, with Misha Collins being particularly present. Yes, yes, I know.
Words: 3000 ca
Summary: where Mark Pellegrino realizes that it's destiny that he and Titus Welliver star in things together, Misha Collins is a smooth bastard, they talk about conventions and fanfiction and their Lost scripts and they are totally bffs. And they also want a spin-off.
Spoilers: ee. For the Lost finale, sort of for Twisted, some for SPN S5, then if you consider them spoilers, also for Moving Alan, Dexter and Deadwood. Tho the last three are really stuff you'll find on the IMDB summary.
Disclaimer: Mark Pellegrino, Titus Welliver and everyone else mentioned in this are so NOT mine. Really. They sooo are not. NOTHING IS!
A/N: written for former Queen gottalovev at lostsquee. Uh. She asked for bffs. Her icon had Mark Pellegrino & Titus Welliver. She also said she would like RPF and crossovers. This... IDEK where the fuck this came from but it features those two being bffs, mentions of half of the SPN cast which I guess features as a crossover and it's totally crack. I hope it's to your liking and sorry for the lateness! Seriously. I haven't written RPS in ages, I feel so weird.
A/N 2: now, this stuff is full of references, but I feel like I need to link at least a couple of things or otherwise stuff might be obscure: Buzzline interview (from where the title is from, sorta), EW's Totally Lost part 5 (six is in the links on the left), Moving Alan (this is the part where there's Misha Collins and Mark. Mark is the clown that gets on fire), Twisted's IMDB page. This should cover mostly everything. Re the stories from conventions... well, it's all true, lol.

They met for the first time when they both were in Twisted, while following the San Francisco Police squad around before the shoot actually started. Not that they even had a scene together, and if you ask Mark, that movie was kind of seriously crappy, but hey. It had high-profile names and it was well paid. Most definitely enough, right?

So there had been this party after the shooting and he had ended up sitting next to Titus, and they had spent half an hour arguing about whose part was the best one.

(It more or less went like this:

Mark: Dude, my role? A lot better. All you did was appear like three times and getting kicked in the ass. Literally.
Titus: Yeah, but at least I wasn’t a goddamn almost-rapist obsessed by the most idiotic female character ever. Also, I survived and you got killed mid-movie. What about that?

And so on.)

They had exchanged numbers after that, and it was the end of it. One call once in a while, and then he sometimes catches Titus in Deadwood, and when Deadwood is in its third season, Mark gets the job on Dexter, and they end up meeting in some LA bar once and the arguing/discussing starts again.

(This time it goes like this:

Mark: Dude, you cut throats. For a living. And that moustache is horrendous.
Titus: I don’t, you know, abuse women. The only one I fucking made out with practically jumped me, if you haven’t been paying attention.

And so on.)

They really don’t have much contact until Mark gets called for fucking Lost (and well, when he got that call… he’ll admit he pounded a fist into the air. You know. LOST, not fucking Seventh Heaven) and when he gets to Hawaai and has to shoot a scene with this other guy whose role they of course haven’t explained to him (well, they haven’t explained him his own role much, but let’s just not dwell on that). And who is in front of him when they go to rehearse?

Exactly.

(Mark: Man. Seriously. You’re my nemesis now?
Titus: I don’t even fucking know. That’s a coincidence, huh?)

Though well, that’s not exactly when the whole thing starts, because after all Titus was there for one scene and Mark was done filming in two days.

He just files it as a nice coincidence, and they get a drink together at the airport’s bar before leaving.

(Mark: To guest starring in the show everyone wants to guest-star on!
Titus: You bet.

And then they clink their glasses together.)

--

Mark gets the call for an auction for Supernatural just a short while later and next thing he knows, he’s cast as Lucifer.

Seriously. Nothing exactly major in tv for two years after Dexter, and now he gets to play some fucked up key role on Lost and the devil? This is his lucky year, he thinks.

And so he leaves in July for Vancouver (and hey, at least it’s less hot than in LA), and he hangs around because after all he’s in episodes one and three, no point in leaving while they’re filming for two.

There, he learns a couple of things.

One: that this is the kind of set where you can get away with stealing your co-stars’ socks.

Two: that Misha Collins absolutely hasn’t changed since they shot together that crappy independent movie where Mark played the clown that went up on fire.

Three: that it’s destiny that he has to bump into Titus Welliver fucking everywhere.

Because he literally bumps into him once when he’s hanging around on set and the guy is there all dressed in a smart gray suit.

“What?” Mark asks, “Are you starring in this, too?”

“I’m your goddamn horseman,” Titus smirks back, and Mark wonders if someone up there isn’t doing this on purpose.

Sadly it seems that this is a one time gig, but they get to spend a nice evening together, catching up and stuff, and by the end they’re kind of quite drunk.

(Titus: What. You really want to steal Jared Padalecki’s socks?
Mark: Sure. Stealing socks is awesome.
Titus: You’re totally as nuts as that Misha Collins guy, you know?
Mark: Seems like he’s more into underwear, rather than socks. Or at least, that’s what I remember from that movie I shot with him.
Titus: Jesus, the one which is on parts on youtube where you were like a clown who burned up? Seriously. Anyway, if he prefers underwear, then he totally has better taste than you.

Well, theirs is a friendship made of bickering.)

Point is, it’s a nice evening. And when Mark says that they should do it again next time they’re both on Lost, Titus says that sure, he’s totally game.

--

Mark has to call Titus when he gets the script for Ab Aeterno. He just needs to do it physically because no one else can exactly get it.

“Man. Please. Tell me you got the script,” he urges as soon as Titus answers the phone.

“Fuck, yes,” comes the answer, and Mark can totally hear that Titus is trying not to burst out laughing.

“They’re doing it on fucking purpose. They are doing it on fucking purpose, aren’t they?”

“Hey, you go asking them. You’re the one supposed to be the devil, not me.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“It’s not like you don’t play them more or less the same, you know.”

“Is that my fault if I still don’t know who the hell Jacob is?”

“Well, at least you have a fucking name, you know.”

Mark needs to give him that. Playing a nameless guy must be extremely frustrating.

--

As they promised to each other, the day they finish shooting Ab Aeterno they meet in Mark’s hotel room and open up some wine.

(Titus: Thank fuck that it’s a regular bottle. Not like the whole ‘the island is a cork’ thing.
Mark: I’m not that much of a masochist!)

They’re well enough into the second bottle when the conversation starts to diverge from the ‘are you the devil?’ topic.

“So, you really stole Jared’s socks?”

“Uh-hu. I’m trying Evangeline’s next time.”

“Seriously?”

“Why not?”

“Pellegrino, you’re completely fucking nuts.”

“I never said the contrary,” Mark says calmly, and pours again.

By the third bottle, they have completely lost all sense of decency.

“So,” Titus says, trying to stay serious and kind of utterly failing, “you really, really mean it when you say that Nestor is prettier than Jensen is?”

“Man, fuck, I shot like… one fucking scene with Jensen. Maybe. I don’t even know. And yeah, he’s fucking pretty, I’ll give that to you, but you can’t beat those eyelashes.”

“Why, are they natural?”

“Of fucking course they are, you didn’t notice it while you saved him from certain death on the fearsome pirate ship?”

“Whatever you say, Ackles has a much better mouth.”

“Oh, you know, fuck this. Let’s choose a third one. We obviously won’t ever settle.”

“No, that’s right. So, who’s prettier than the both of them?”

“Fuck, I don’t ev… oh, I got it.”

“Who?”

“Dammit, Ian Somerhalder! You ever watch the Vampire Diaries? It’s kinda corny, but you know. It airs before Supernatural. I ended up watching some.”

“Dude. Seriously. You’re so right. We’re settled?”

“We’re settled.”

And they clink their glasses again.

They never talk about that conversation again for a mutual unspoken agreement.

Or, well, after Mark shoots Abandon All Hope he tells Titus that he has to agree about Jensen’s mouth being particularly nice to look at, but it definitely dies there.

--

Mark is looking at the script for Across The Sea a while later and he calls Titus as soon as he’s finished.

Or well, he’s about to but then his cell rings and look at who it is.

“I was about to call you.”

“You got the script, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Man, what, are we brothers?”

“Apparently, and you’re seriously a spoiled brat.”

“Well, you still don’t have a fucking name.”

“… right.”

So well, the episode is kind of really ridiculous, but clearly they don’t tell Damon or Carlton, and they have an amazing time mocking it while in their hotel rooms after they’re done.

Then they shoot the Connect Four Million ad for Kimmel and they both agree that it was better than the actual episode.

Two months after they find out that the entirety of the Internet thought the same thing, but this isn’t really the point. Yet.

--

Mark finds himself calling Titus after his panel at the LA Supernatural convention, if only because he needs to talk to someone but he doesn’t want to possibly scar his wife permanently and he really can’t think of anything else.

“Hey, what’s up? Aren’t you at that convention?”

“Yeah. Uh, I just, something weird happened.”

“Something weird. Like what?”

“Like, uhm, some girl, she called me Marksha.”

Marksha?”

“Yes. It was, er, you know. Weird.”

“And you don’t know why? If you ask me, it sounds suspiciously like Misha.”

“That’s why I asked him.”

“And what did he say?”

“That I really didn’t want to know.”

“What a dick. Well, wait a second, I have my laptop here. I’ll check it for you.”

“Hey, thanks, you don’t have to…”

“Shut up, what are friends for then? So, let’s see… oh. Ah. Ah.”

“What?”

“I… I think that Misha might be a dick but it’s really for your good.”

And then the call is over and Mark feels like breaking his head against a wall, but well. It kind of felt good. Kind of.

--

Then they meet again for the Totally Lost EW videos.

They read the script and then Titus raises an eyebrow while nodding.

“What’s so interesting?”

“I think that she was mean and had seashells in her hair quite sums it up. All of it.”

“I can’t fault you here.”

And then they act it out and they hug and it actually feels nice, and then they go shooting that crazy sketch over the copying machine.

It ends with each of them setting Smoke On The Water for the other’s ringtone when he calls.

“Hey,” Titus asks him that evening while they go having one of their now legendary drinks, “do you think they’ll give us a spin-off for real?”

“Would you like it?”

“Hell, why not?”

They clink their beers together and Mark thinks that yeah, he’d like a spin-off.

--

The day after, they go having lunch together in this bar which Matthew Fox guaranteed no one recognized actors, really, and clearly at least three girls look at them like they’ve just seen the second coming. Titus lets out a huff as they come closer. Mark just keeps on eating his salad.

“Sorry, but… are you two… from Lost?” one of them asks, her voice so shaky that it’s almost funny.

“Nope,” Titus answers a bit after. “We’re…”

“A gay couple. From Cincinnati,” Mark fills for him, just because it was the first idiotic thing that passed through his head, and it’s not like they make that bad of a couple, and then the girls run for the hills.

“A gay couple from Cincinnati?” Titus asks a beat later, looking more surprised than anything else.

“Do you have anything against either gay couples or Cincinnati?” Mark calmly answers, and Titus just shakes his head.

“Nah. I don’t. And that was a good one, anyway. They did leave us alone.”

Mark feels quite proud of that.

--

Then the German convention happens and…

Well. Mark really, really needs to make Titus aware of, uh, a certain thing.

Also, he totally gets the Marksha thing now. He doesn’t know if he’s amused or terrified.

“Wait. Pellegrino, did you and that other crazy fucker draw dicks all over your signed pictures?”

“Well, he drew one, but he’s a bigger dick than I am, so I had to, right?”

“Are you in fucking kindergarten?”

“Sometimes I have this idea that he is, but a very perverted kindergarten. Anyway, that wasn’t the point. Point is, er, he kind of explained that whole fanfiction thing to me. Along with the Marksha bit, but let’s just not talk about that.”

“Oh Jesus. And what about it?”

“Apparently, people like to think that Lucifer and Sam are a foolproof couple.”

“Really.”

“Yes, and that you and me are. I mean. In Lost.”

“Wait. The fuck? But we’re brothers!”

“Apparently they liked it before they knew. Also it apparently doesn’t matter much. With Supernatural people I’m afraid it wouldn’t matter at all.”

“So wait, there’s you and me, like, having hate sex all over the place?”

“Sometimes with Richard in the middle.”

“And Misha showed you all this?”

“He also says that he’s sure that in the finale we’ll find out that everyone is dead already.”

“And how the fuck does he know that? We don’t know how it ends and we’re in that show!”

“He says he’s perceptive. I think he’s mostly full of shit, but he isn’t that bad. Even if he enjoys the whole fanfiction thing a bit too much.”

“Okay, but you totally need to show me some.”

Mark smirks and opens the internet on his laptop.

“I’ll send you over some favorites.”

--

Two hours later, Titus calls him back.

“Gay couple from Cincinnati my ass. These people are fucking serious.”

“Hey, never said they weren’t.”

“You sound remarkably calm about this.”

“You haven’t read what poor Jared and Jensen have to endure. In comparison, that’s a piece of cake.”

“And Misha?”

“Oh, he actually likes it. I think. Mostly.”

“Christ, I’m so glad I don’t do conventions.”

“Who knows. Next time we might get called together.”

Now that’d be an experience. We can do the whole psychoanalysis thing again, and then we can hug, and they’ll write tons of… fanfiction about it?”

“Sounds like a plan. If it ever happens, we’re totally doing it.”

After all, it could be a lot worse.

Though well, if Mark is thinking that having incestuous fiction written about his character is better than a lot of other things…

He needs not to hang out with Misha as much as he has lately.

Fucking conventions.

--

Then the finale airs and they actually watch it together at Mark’s because dammit, they’ve been together in this, they might just as well finish it.

As soon as white light fills Mark’s tv, his cell rings. Text message.

Mark flips it open and groans before saying anything else.

Clearly.”

Then he hands to Titus the cell. The text says I was so right.

“Man, he is a goddamn know-it-all son of a bitch.”

“I swear, if I get called again next season I’m stealing all of his fucking socks,” Mark agrees.

Titus says that it’s an awesome idea, and then the discussion moves on to something more interesting. Like.

“So, they really were all dead? And of everyone that had to kill me, that’d be Kate?”

--

A week later, he’s surfing online, trying not to click on that link Misha sent him, where he ends up on some interview of Damon’s and then laughs until there’s no tomorrow. Then he forwards Titus the link.

Titus calls him about five minutes later, Smoke On The Water blasting from Mark’s cell.

“Was my name supposed to be Samuel?! Seriously?” he asks, sounding downright pissed, and Mark can totally see the point of that.

“Told you. They’re totally doing that on purpose.”

“I hate them. And they didn’t even tell me!”

“Yeah, isn’t that just against any possible kind of ethics?”

“Hell, yes.”

--

So they end up doing that other joint interview for Buzzline, and they kind of make it up as they go, except for the whole gay couple from Cincinnati part. Which was totally true.

When they’re done, Mark turns to Titus and raises an eyebrow.

“Were you serious about the play?”

“If they don’t give us the spin-off, why not?”

Mark thinks about it one second and decides that it’d actually be fucking awesome.

“Yeah, why not. And what would our play be about? A real gay couple from Cincinnati?”

“That could be a good point, except that I fear your Supernatural fans would cause an internet implosion the second they knew.”

Mark smiles, and he is pretty positive that it’s the kind he has practiced for Lucifer. “And wouldn’t that be just fucking amazing if we actually managed to do it? Making the internet implode, I mean. Wouldn’t that be so satisfying?”

For a second, Titus looks so much like his unnamed character which then became Samuel that it’s downright scary.

“Do we have a mission?”

“Man, we so do.”

They actually fucking high-five after that, and Mark figures that it’s a deal.

--

So they actually meet at Titus’s some time later. Just in order to see if they can manage to write something down before Mark goes off playing a vampire, since apparently supernatural shows is all he gets called for, these days.

His cell rings while they’re discussing how much time has the gay couple been an actual couple.

Mark goes and reads the text.

Gay couple from Cincinnati, Pellegrino? Now that’s sneaky. Also you two totally look the part. By the way, they might call you next season. Don’t even think about stealing my socks.

“Is that fucker always on the internet?” Mark mutters as he shakes his head, though he can’t help half-grinning.

“Who, Misha? I had this suspicion that he was. What does he say?”

“That we look the part. I mean, the gay couple from Cincinnati.”

“Clearly. I met him for like ten minutes on set and I’m totally not surprised. You know what?”

“I’m all ears.”

“What if the gay couple had… I don’t even know, a cat? Or a dog. Or a goldfish.”

“You want to call their goldfish Misha?”

“Isn’t that a bit of payback?”

Mark totally writes it down before they start brainstorming again. It’s going to be so awesome. The best rom-com to ever hit a stage, if they finish the script and actually find someone that wants to have it, though considering that they were in goddamn Lost, they won’t have much trouble for that.

And who knows, maybe they will just get the goddamn spin-off one day.

End.
 
 
feeling: weirdweird
 
 
 
Lou: Lost - Jacob and MIBgottalovev on July 18th, 2010 04:28 pm (UTC)
LOL! oh yes, that's GREAT! those two make the best BFF! =D and i'm pretty sure that most of this happened for real, because they are awesome like that. I love the idea of Mark and Misha interacting a lot too! =D

I HAD NOT SEEN OR HEARD ABOUT THE CLOWN SET ON FIRE THING, WHAT?!? it is so ridiculous. and then I had missed a lot of the conventions stories, too, so I'm basically LMAO here! this is great babe, thank you so much *smishes*
the female ghost of tom joad: WIN!janie_tangerine on July 18th, 2010 11:39 pm (UTC)
Eeee, thank you! :D I'm so glad that you liked it, also because I seriously don't have an idea where the hell this even came from. I just saw your icon and it clicked. Also lol yes they're totally bffs! :D And Marksha totally hangs around Misha too much if you ask me. ;)

THE CLOWNFIRE IS GLORIOUS. WHEN IT TURNED UP ON YOUTUBE SOMETIME LIKE LAST YEAR I SPENT AGES LAUGHING OVER IT. OH, MISHA AND MARKSHA. That movie is totally batshit insane but... lol. ;) And if I supply convention stuff then even better. ;) Thanks so much again! :D *smish*

Edited at 2010-07-18 11:40 pm (UTC)
The Widow Twankeyknopflergroupie on August 6th, 2010 08:33 pm (UTC)
Didn't actually read this because me and RPF don't go well together, but I hope you don't mind that I recced it to someone who was desperately searching for Mark Pellegrino/Titus Welliver?
the female ghost of tom joad: lost jacob/mibjanie_tangerine on August 7th, 2010 08:32 am (UTC)
Dude, of course I don't mind! :D It isn't exactly shippy but if they're okay with them being bffs then sure! ;)
scandaloussteph on August 6th, 2010 08:52 pm (UTC)
THIS IS EPICALLY BRILLIANT.
the female ghost of tom joad: WIN!janie_tangerine on August 7th, 2010 08:36 am (UTC)
MUCH GLAD YOU THOUGHT SO! AND THANK YOU. :)
madderzzmadderzz on January 27th, 2011 06:28 pm (UTC)
OMG this was EXACTLY what i wanted!
i've been looking everywhere for fics w/ them and i couldn't find anything, so THANK YOU for making my day!!
This was So funny, and it's kinda like how i imagine them to be, close and bickering and bantering like an old couple!
thank you So much for sharing!!!
if you are aware of any other fics with them, i'd be eternally grateful if you could link 'em to me!
<3<3
the female ghost of tom joad: lost jacob/mibjanie_tangerine on January 28th, 2011 01:25 pm (UTC)
Ee thanks so much! :DDD I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed this, I had a crack writing it so I can only be happy if it worked for you. ;) And I totally imagine for them to be that way, they have the old married couple (from Cincinnati) potential! XD

About other fics with them, I never read any or no one I know ever posted one, sorry. :( But I'd love to read them if there were some around, that's for sure...
madderzzmadderzz on January 29th, 2011 02:19 am (UTC)
i know right? they are hysterical to read/write about!
well, if i stumble upon anything good, i'll let u know!
<3