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21 September 2010 @ 07:10 pm
fic, the vampire diaries: the family business (Damon/Alaric, Stefan), R, CRACK  
Title: the family business
Pairing/Characters: Damon/Alaric, Stefan (Stefan/Elena implied)
Rating: R
Words: 2270
Spoilers: it's an AU. But I guess there are some until 1x21, since there's some canon sneaking in.
Warnings: utter crack, some knifeplay/bloodplay, a lot of swearing.
Summary: where Damon and Alaric are porn actors, Stefan directs them in movies, shooting porn movies is the Salvatore family business and Stefan's life sucks. A lot.
A/N: originally written for gottalovev at the five acts exchange; the prompts were pining/obliviousness and knifeplay. I reiterate the warnings. This is utter crack. Don't take it seriously. Using for my au_bingo actors square.

It’s official: Stefan’s life sucks. He’s this close to share it with the world on fml.com, but he’s pretty sure that most people wouldn’t believe him if he did.

Because when your message would end up being, today I directed a porn movie because it’s the family business and my brother stars in it and the sexual tension between him and his co-star is killing me, and I can’t even tell them to get laid because they already have sex. FML, any sane person would think that you made it up.

Point is, imagination never was Stefan’s strong suit, and he wouldn’t make anything up, if he wrote that.

Seriously, why the fuck did he ever have to be born in a family where everyone works in the porn movies industry?

The only good thing that ever came out of it is that he met his girlfriend Elena on set (she did make-up for one movie and then another and then well, they hit off and she has kept on doing make-up on his movies since then), but apart from that… Christ. He hates it. There’s a reason he went straight for directing (Damon never had a doubt about wanting to act, but Damon is a fucking exhibitionist not to mention a show-off who perfectly knows that he’s hot; of course he’d want to act); right, Damon has called him a girl ever since, but Stefan would rather have sex with his girlfriend and end it there.

Anyway, if directing movies where his brother has sex with perfect strangers wasn’t enough, now? Now his life is indeed miserable.

See, there was this deal he signed to make a series of fifteen movies with the same crew/cast for the same producer, which Stefan usually likes a lot better than other alternatives. It means that for a month he doesn’t have to deal with new actors, new people and new writers. Clearly, they were to star mainly his brother and another person.

It was bad enough that it was gay porn (Stefan has nothing against homosexuality, let’s say it now, but if you need to film your brother while he has sex with someone else, it’s way less scarring if it’s a girl), but then the other actor turned out to be Alaric Saltzman.

Whose name wouldn’t say anything to Stefan, if the guy and his then-wife (who used to write children’s books for a living, seriously) hadn’t met Damon at some party years ago. The wife had totally lied to Damon about being married and then they both managed to get caught by said Alaric while she was giving Damon head in a bathroom.

(Then they divorced and she decided that acting in porn was her business, too.)

The second Stefan knew it, he also knew he was in for a very long month. Then, the following second, after he checked the… well, tentative scripts, he picked up the phone and called this Matt guy who writes a bunch of scripts mostly for him and for this producer and with whom he’s sort of friends.

“Matt,” he had said, “scratch all of those fifteen scripts. And send me fifteen where very angry sex happens.”

Matt hadn’t protested, and Stefan had felt thankful that at least he was known enough that they let him choose the plots.

But then again, he had thought that they’d just be cold professionals; and then, while shooting the fifth movie, he had realized that they really were just fucking pining for each other and they didn’t have an idea. And since they didn’t, they kept on bickering like an old married couple.

Or well, Stefan knows Damon pretty much like the back of his hand, and he knows that when he starts giving wicked smiles at people, picking on them so that they want to just strangle him, and totally acting relaxed around them even when he fucked their wife, then it’s his fucked up way to get attention. And that’s exactly what Damon has been doing with Alaric until now.

(Stefan really, really would want to get an occasion to kill Damon’s ex, who resembled Elena a whole damn lot, and hadn’t that been a problem in the beginning. Anyway, Katherine was a complete bitch who spent her time with Damon when they were in high school flirting with Stefan, too, and then she just left town without saying zilch. While Stefan wouldn’t really want to say that Damon is completely fucked up, relationships-wise or emotionally-wise, just because of her, he thinks she gets a good share of the merit. What did he do to deserve an emotionally repressed older brother who acts in porn movies and is shameless about it, Stefan doesn’t know.)

So that’s exactly what he has been doing with Alaric. Picking on him, keeping on reminding him that Damon and his ex-wife had that lovely quickie in the bathroom, and then totally loving it when Alaric goes rough on him because the script allows that. Not to mention that Damon changes all the dialogue so that it has all the possible double-meanings, but that’s no news. Around the second movie (where they were rival spies, if Stefan remembers right; he’s very bad at remembering that, but after all it’s just a setting) Stefan had thought that Alaric would have killed Damon at some very near point, considering how hard he was fucking him against this wall (because spies are too cool to have sex in a bed, you know). And he’d have had his rights: fine, Damon hadn’t known that the woman coming on to him had been married, but rubbing that in the guy’s face like that? Yeah. Stefan couldn’t really have faulted Alaric.

Point is, Alaric hadn’t killed Damon after all. He just took it and then left bruises on Damon’s shoulders, so red that Elena had to spend two hours in make-up to hide them most times. Then some evening they were all getting drinks, Damon had gone straight next to Alaric and he gained a punch in his face but neither of them moved away and even if they didn’t say a word, they had a drink next to each other.

That was when Stefan had realized that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

Now they’re at the sixth movie (where Alaric is a cop and Damon is a hooker. Jesus, he needs to tell Matt to stop with the goddamn clichés), and Stefan is sure he wants to either kill himself or kill them both.

Because now Alaric has stopped punching Damon when the crew goes to get drinks.

If circumstances were normal, Stefan would be worried about the both of them drinking a bit too much, but as things are, he’s just glad that he comes home with Elena in the evenings and he has at least something good in his life preventing him to devote it to porn movies entirely.

So, it’s kind of clear that Damon does like Alaric, because otherwise he wouldn’t be making efforts in the fucked up way he does, and that Alaric doesn’t hate Damon as much as he pretends to. Stefan is pretty sure that in any normal situation, telling them to just get a room, screw each others’ brains and see what happened after would work.

Except that they already screw each others’ brains. On set.

Fuck Stefan’s life, really.

Then he finally gets it. Sort of. Because the eight movie is about vampires (Matt stopped with the clichés this time and ran with imagination, but Stefan thinks that he overdid it), Alaric is some hunter who kills them, Damon is the vampire (of course) and then there’s this woman who’s attracted by both (Stefan can’t believe it almost has a plot). It should have been Elena’s friend Caroline (who is a pretty known actress in the circle, too), but then she breaks an ankle the day before the movie shoots and who gets called?

Yeah. Isobel, or Alaric’s former wife and Damon’s former one night stand, and Stefan wants to kill himself because there’s UST coming up from those three when they’re even in the same room. How is he supposed to film them having a threesome?

In his next life, he’s going to be an animator for Disney, dammit.

Anyway, turns out that Isobel is more insufferable than Stefan remembered, that Alaric winces whenever she looks his way and that Damon isn’t that enthralled with her anymore.

Clearly, that threesome is everything but hot. Stefan still keeps it, but after Isobel leaves, he decides he’s making a change to the script (even if he’d rather not), gives Alaric a fake knife, eyes the bed and tells them to just give him something even remotely hot to save this one from being the worst porn ever shot in the history of porn movies.

So then they get on the bed and make up the dialogue and everything else and that’s when Stefan gets it. Alaric isn’t looking at Damon like he’s pissed with him, and Damon looks way more comfortable without Isobel around, and then he actually tells Stefan to stop being a girl. They can have a real knife, it’s not like Damon can’t take it. Right?

Stefan sighs and surrenders and then he gets the hottest scene he ever put on camera in his whole life.

He re-watches it later. A couple times. Not because it gets him bothered (Damon having sex? Please. Really, that’s enough of a turn-off for him), but because he wants to realize what’s in it that made him shiver this morning while they were filming.

Damon is laying down and letting Alaric trace shallow patterns on his chest with the knife, with the occasional drop of blood appearing, this while Alaric fucks him in a way that is merciless, so hard that the bed creaks loudly. And then Alaric drops the knife on the ground after cutting a line on his arm and pushes it towards Damon’s mouth.

Stefan had thought they were faking, but no. Damon had really licked the wound clean, his eyes sparkling with something between smugness and pleasure, and that’s when it fucking hit Stefan.

They both like each other. And they don’t even get it, because otherwise they wouldn’t pretend to still harboring resentment whenever there are more than five other people around. And no one is required to do fucking real bloodplay, which means that unless they both want to switch for real movies (and Stefan is sure that Damon at least doesn’t), Alaric actually trusts Damon enough to fucking having him drink his blood and Damon likes Alaric enough to actually do it.

Stefan watches Damon biting down on Alaric’s shoulder, a droplet of blood running down from the corner of his mouth, and decides that it’s time he does something.

He can’t possibly go on like this.


He corners Alaric before they start shooting movie nine. (Where Alaric is some detective wearing a Bogart trench coat and Damon is with the mafia or something like that.) He just won’t ever tell this to Damon, or he’d never live it down, which is why he went straight for Alaric.

“You like my brother,” he says, and Alaric looks at him like he’d really like to punch him, too.

“I don’t…”

“Shut up. You like my brother, don’t try to tell me the contrary. I can read the signs when I see them. That said, he likes you too.”

“Are you crazy?” Alaric says, “He doesn’t. You’re just seeing things,” he tries to cut short, but Stefan shakes his head and grabs his arm,

“I know my brother, thank you. And I know that when he spends three weeks picking on someone and forcing them to have drinks with him, he wants them to pay attention to him. Except that he doesn’t know how to do it if he isn’t a jerk, but considering… a lot of things, I’m positively sure he fucking likes you. This said, I can’t stand the both of you being utterly oblivious anymore and making me lose my mind. And I can’t even say to just go and get laid because you already do. So just corner him and kiss him and fuck him for real, I don’t know, but either you do something or this will drive me crazy. And if nothing happens it’ll be me standing Damon for the next month until he gets a new job where I will need to film him, so just do me a favor and bring him out to dinner. And that’s all,” he ends before leaving a baffled Alaric behind.

Stefan needs a strong drink.



They start shooting the movie. And the first thing that happens, after the usual crappy dialogue preliminaries, is that they kiss. A long, heated, messy, painful kiss that has to be in the top three hottest kisses Stefan ever filmed.

Then he realizes the script doesn’t say that they have to. And they never did, before.

He doesn’t know whether his life just got better or even worse.


Today, my brother and his partner came to dinner with me and my girlfriend. They want to act in another porn movie about vampires (they loved the first they did. Which I directed). Then, they started making out. Then they said I was the only one who could shoot it. My girlfriend says that they’re adorable and that I should do it. FML.

by anonymous - #12812142 (47) – I agree, your life sucks (5567) – you totally deserved it (365)

feeling: weirdweird
on rotation: The Beatles - All You Need Is Love | Powered by Last.fm
Leslie: SGA - Puddlejumpershadowcat15 on September 26th, 2010 01:05 am (UTC)
Heehee. Trying not to squee out loud because my boyfriend is in the room and I'd have to explain the seal noises to him. This was awesome!
the female ghost of tom joad: the vampire porn my ship likes phone sexjanie_tangerine on September 26th, 2010 07:51 pm (UTC)
Ehe, maybe that'd be a problem. XDD I'm so glad you liked it, thanks! :D
Maggie M: sexy icon 2maggie33 on September 26th, 2010 08:35 pm (UTC)
I never thought that I would love Damon/Alaric AU, because I adore them so much when they're not AU. But you did it. You made me love it.

Today, my brother and his partner came to dinner with me and my girlfriend. They want to act in another porn movie about vampires (they loved the first they did. Which I directed). Then, they started making out. Then they said I was the only one who could shoot it. My girlfriend says that they’re adorable and that I should do it. FML.

by anonymous - #12812142 (47) – I agree, your life sucks (5567) – you totally deserved it (365)

LMAO That fic was funny and hot and adorable. :D
the female ghost of tom joad: the vampire porn damon/stefanjanie_tangerine on September 26th, 2010 10:39 pm (UTC)
Eee, I'm so glad that you did like it even if AUs aren't your thing or aren't that in this case. ;) tbh I don't even know how the hell did I even write it but I had so much fun with it, so it's totally great to know it worked for you too. ;)

Poor Stefan's life really sucks. XD
Tee: damonforeign_origin on December 3rd, 2010 09:53 am (UTC)
OMG, I laughed like crazy reading it, it's awesome :)
the female ghost of tom joad: the vampire porn damon 2.0janie_tangerine on December 3rd, 2010 10:35 am (UTC)
Much glad you had fun with it, thank youu! :DDDD
Passive Aggressive Heterophobe: Stefan cry moar.juanitatequila on December 12th, 2010 08:54 am (UTC)

the female ghost of tom joad: the vampire porn stefanjanie_tangerine on December 12th, 2010 10:03 am (UTC)


(also omg your icooooooooooooooon ;______________________; *glomps Stefan* jesus how I cried at that point. XD)
Trippy Mnso_dalaric on November 4th, 2011 06:03 pm (UTC)
love it