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27 March 2011 @ 12:48 am
fic, SPN: and all night long you drove me wild with your equations (Dean/Castiel), NC17  
So, you remember that I said I was going to finish WIPs? That'd be the first. Now let's just hope that I manage to keep it on instead of falling back into laziness-block, shall we.

Title: and all night long you drove me wild with your equations
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: NC17.
Warnings: none unless pwp is a warning.
Spoilers: up to and for 5x21.
Word Count: ~2000
Summary: wherein Castiel is human for good, and both he and Dean are set on making good use of the time they have left.
A/N: so months ago poor e0wyn gave me a birthday fic prompt that went like, Dean/Cas first time after 5x21. I actually did start it and then for some reason I never got around to finish it which is ridiculous because then I found it in the WIPs folder when this month I decided to finish all that I could. And uhm, so, happy very late birthday? I hope you like it anyway even if by this point we went through almost another whole season. /hides using for hc_bingo falling. Title stolen from Josh Ritter. Sorry again for being so utterly late.

He had never thought it could be so much.

He also had never imagined that the day before what could or couldn’t be the end of the world he would not have regretted losing his grace. By all rights, he should, because he doubts that guns, while after all useful, can be much help against anything that isn’t strictly human, and practically human as he is, his chances of survival look quite dim.

It doesn’t matter now, nothing of it does, because he hadn’t realized that until he still retained some of that grace there would always be some kind of veil sheltering him from really, really feeling.

It’s not like he didn’t before. It’s not like he hasn’t learned what feeling means. Since he gripped Dean and raised him from Perdition he has gone through, at least, curiosity, anger, affection, betrayal, hope and lack thereof, despair, happiness, companionship and respect, even if not exactly in that order. And the more Grace he lost, the sharper, clearer, more overwhelming they became, but this is still nothing like it.

He has learned in a couple of days what real pain feels like, he has learned how it feels when the contents of your stomach end up scattered on the floor, he has learned that humans’ feet hurt after they run for an entire day, he has learned what it really means to feel useless and then to feel a bit less useless.

It still doesn’t compare to now. Because what he has learned in those two days, is pain (raw and real and leaving a real mark on his, his body – there’s a reason why before going back into the house he excused himself and spent five minutes in Bobby’s yard crying tears that tasted like pure salt for the first time, because he never really meant to drive Jimmy out the way he did, and it got to him just then fully). Now he’s learning joy.

There’s no other way to describe what’s going on; he keeps his eyes closed because he just wants to take it all in. He needs to take in the way Dean’s hands carefully, slowly trace his hipbones and he needs to commit exactly to memory how rough Dean’s fingers are against his skin. He needs to commit to memory also that warmth which is spreading out from somewhere inside him, almost a substitute to that grace he held on to for as much as he could. He feels like he has been stripped naked; but it doesn’t matter because right now he also feels like he’s covering himself up again with new clothes that might not be as comfortable as the old ones but at the same time suit him better.

Dean’s body covers his, slowly, without crushing him, and it should be making him feel cornered but it doesn’t. It doesn’t because it feels right in a way nothing else has quite felt until now, like they’re made to fit against each other if only a bit awkwardly. There’s something in the way Dean touches him almost like he isn’t sure he should or like he’s holding back but he really doesn’t want to. And while Castiel doesn’t want him to hold back either, for a short while he thinks he likes this. Because it seems like Dean thinks too highly of him right this moment, and to be truthful, Castiel himself hasn’t thought of himself like that in a long time. It’s nice, that for a moment Dean can do it for him.

It’s over when Dean leans down and kisses him, though, because at that point Castiel just can’t stop himself from reaching up and tangling his fingers in Dean’s hair, as much as he can, bringing him further down. And if that isn’t allowing him to touch everywhere as well then he doesn’t know what it is, but it’s fine because he wants it. He wants it like he wants Dean’s soft, warm lips to move against his, he wants it like he wants Dean’s tongue to trail inside his mouth and he wants to just stay here and melt against Dean’s touch for as long as he’s allowed. But it’s not that easy. It’s not because he wants to touch Dean, too, so bad that it almost leaves a hole where his stomach is, and so he moves his hands, cards his fingers through Dean’s hair. He figures he had it right when Dean starts moaning inside the kiss and his right hand grips tighter on his shoulder. Dean’s left is on Castiel’s cheek, cupping it with trembling fingers. Castiel kisses back, grinding back against Dean, feeling himself growing harder and feeling it so sharp that he can’t help searching for friction.

Dean slides against him again, meeting his motions, giving him that friction he’s craving, and oh, but Dean is as hard as he is, and it’s strange to think that he is the reason why. The contrary is perfectly plausible (why wouldn’t he find pleasure in touching Dean, when Dean is the only reason he’s here, now, and that he’s not regretting it?), but he just can’t seem to accept the other option as eagerly.

Though maybe, looking into Dean’s eyes right now, he’s thinking the same.

Dean nods and reaches for the nightstand (he obviously didn’t make this up as he went, Castiel thinks inconsequently). Castiel can’t see what he’s looking for because right now his eyes are closed as they kiss, but Dean’s hands aren’t touching him anymore and he almost whimpers into Dean’s mouth at the loss of touch. This until Dean’s left hand closes around his hip and a cold, slick finger reaches in between Castiel’s spread legs. He hisses, it’s a change from all the warmth that has surrounded them until now, but then Castiel nods and tries to relax, Dean’s finger breaching inside him. It’s strange at first, and he figures it maybe hurts, but he really isn’t that acquainted with human feelings and he has been through worse in the handful of days since he fell. He nods at Dean, trying to imply that it’s fine and he can do more; Dean’s finger slips forward, then backward and then forward again. The intrusion doesn’t even feel like an intrusion anymore, and then Dean’s finger moves again and hits his prostate, and Castiel can’t help letting out a low moan, his body arching up, the sensation nothing short of exquisite.

“More,” he whispers; the left corner of Dean’s mouth quirks up before he pushes a second finger in, and then a third, and by that point Castiel feels undone. He’s impossibly hard and there’s sweat everywhere; there’s also jolts of pleasure shooting though his muscles and he arches to meet Dean’s touch, soaking all sensations up. He feels almost worn out but in the good way, and according to what he knows the best is yet to come; he isn’t so sure that he can wait much longer. Please, he mouths, and Dean mouths okay back at him. Castiel spreads his legs wider, as much as he can, and Dean moves closer before moving back again. Castiel keeps his eyes closed but then they jolt open as soon as Dean slides inside with a single movement, and it’s completely different. It’s more than the fingers ever were, and there’s a second in which the both of them just stay still against each other, their foreheads touching. Dean is breathing fast and shallow into Castiel’s mouth and Castiel can’t help moving a hand up to Dean’s temple, his fingers tangling into short hair and moving away droplets of sweat. Dean stays still, like he’s leaving Castiel time to adjust and like he’s taking time to adjust as well, but at the same time they stare at each other and there are things Castiel would like to say, but maybe it’s a good thing that neither of them is talking.

Dean looks wrecked for more than one reason, and Castiel knows that trying to say anything wouldn’t work. After all in a few days they’ll try to stop the end of the world with a plan that has more faults than merits, and even if it works Dean will have to cope with losing his brother, and what do you say when this might be the only good moment they have before most probably failing? You just don’t speak, he thinks.

Castiel breathes in and wraps his legs around Dean’s waist, thrusting his hips onwards, trying to say with his body that it’s fine, and all of a sudden Dean unfreezes and moves, sliding backwards first and then pushing forward, slow at first and then faster, his eyes not breaking contact yet. Castiel can’t stop himself from moaning louder each time, because the more Dean slides in and hits that place at the perfect angle, the more Castiel feels unfocused and pulled like a string. In the good way, though; at least he could experience one perk of humanity before the end, right?

He reaches up again with his hands, one going behind Dean’s neck, one moving over Dean’s cheek – Dean turns into the touch, kissing his palm once, and Castiel brings him down and kisses him, open mouthed, while Dean’s rhythm becomes erratic and the bed creaks. There’s no way they’re being quiet, and Castiel finds out that he doesn’t care, not when Dean’s teeth grasp lightly a piece of skin in the hollow of his neck and his fingers still run through the damp hair at the base of Dean’s head. It’s just when one of Dean’s hands moves down and wraps around Castiel’s hard, aching erection that he groans, deep and without controlling it, feeling like he’s almost there, he just needs a small push and –

Dean’s hand strokes his cock a couple times, maybe three, quick and efficient, his mouth still working that spot on Castiel’s neck and he’s there, he just can’t hold back anymore, and he arches up, his hips shaking as Dean holds him down against the bed and he finally comes and – and now he gets it. It’s not just a perk, it feels like he’s soaring up while each of his nerves is on fire. Dean, he moans as his entire body trembles, and then Dean gives a single, last push and comes as well, buried as deep as he could, his free hand clutching at Castiel’s back. Cas, he says, his voice rough and at the verge of breaking, and as he comes down from his high Castiel’s nails leave traces as they dig behind Dean’s shoulders, holding him down the same way Dean was doing before.

They’re both covered in sweat and come when they part, a while later (Castiel is past counting the time right now), but they don’t really move away from each other. When Dean says they’re going to be disgusting in the morning Castiel says he doesn’t care and kisses him again, slow and deep and without hurry. Dean kisses back without missing a beat, his hand pushing away strands of hair plastered against Castiel’s forehead, and Castiel’s entire body is thrumming quietly with something that he can’t describe but that feels quite good. He tells Dean and Dean rolls his eyes and answers that he’s obviously high on endorphins, and Castiel isn’t sure that he’s entirely grasping the point, but he’s been human for less than a week and he feels also positively worn out, so he just hums in agreement and turns his head enough to kiss Dean’s wrist.

“Told you no one was dying a virgin here,” Dean mutters, obviously trying to lighten the atmosphere. Castiel lets out a quiet laugh against Dean’s throat, figuring that at least that’s true enough.

“I can’t fault you for being so set on it,” he concedes, and then when Dean’s arm tightens around his waist, he closes his eyes, figuring that they can afford to ignore the circumstances for a short while.

Maybe he might even get what’s the point of sleeping, at least this once.

feeling: sleepysleepy
on rotation: the temptation of adam - josh ritter
Kevin Jonesmulder200 on March 27th, 2011 12:20 am (UTC)
“Told you no one was dying a virgin here,” Dean mutters, obviously trying to lighten the atmosphere. Castiel lets out a quiet laugh against Dean’s throat, figuring that at least that’s true enough.

“I can’t fault you for being so set on it,” he concedes, and then when Dean’s arm tightens around his waist, he closes his eyes, figuring that they can afford to ignore the circumstances for a short while.


What a great look inside Castiel's headspace and the sex? Jesus! Now that's why I love PWP. Yes!
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural + nick cave = otpjanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 10:05 am (UTC)
Thanks so much, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! ;) Especially because I'll always find Dean way easier than Cas, lol. And clearly I'm even happier if you liked the pwp-ness of it all. xD
cassiopeia7: Cas&Dean: ampersandcassiopeia7 on March 27th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
Lovely and sweet and super, super hot and even a bit romantic . . . I love the way you write the boys. Beautiful! &hearts
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas philosophyjanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 10:06 am (UTC)
Thank you so very much indeed! ♥ much glad you liked it this much :D
(Deleted comment)
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural cas tweetjanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 10:07 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you so much! ♥ I'm so glad that you liked it and that the POV worked for you, I love Cas but Dean is kind of easier so it's always good to know that it works. XD

(OMG AW YOUR ICON <3333333333333)
Nikki: Supernatural - Dean Cas BWsucksucksmile on March 27th, 2011 06:54 am (UTC)
oh this is so excellent.

i love fics with fallen!cas.
i need to hunt for more to read.

i love the complete lack of dialogue until the very end.
and i love it all happening from castiel's perspective.

the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/castieljanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 10:08 am (UTC)
Thank you so very much indeed! ♥ I'm so glad that you liked it this much and that the POV worked for you as well -- and I might have a thing for fallen!Cas as well so totally getting you here.

And heee, thanks re the layout! :D
Angel Kinkangel_kink on March 27th, 2011 08:09 am (UTC)
Aww, sweet and sexy at the same time. :)
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas tie fixingjanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 10:09 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading, glad you liked it! :D
Jamesdarkestnight01 on March 27th, 2011 11:21 am (UTC)
ohhhh dear god! This was hot, sweet and sooooo warm I just wanna bath in it and feel good :)

I love this version of fallen!Cas - not really resenting it, but seeing the new things in a more positive light. Well, who wouldn't when Dean shows you exactly how positive it is XD

very very good start into this day indeed *nods*
the female ghost of tom joad: misha is my favoritejanie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 07:29 pm (UTC)
But thank you so very much! ♥ feel free to bathe in it as much as you like, lol.

I'd have liked if they had handled the falling like that I guess, but considering that I finished this like ten months after starting it I figured I'd just go with my original characterization. And yeah, if Dean shows you the perks I'm sure you wouldn't mind THAT much. ;) thanks for reading again! ♥
Giuliae0wyn on March 27th, 2011 02:59 pm (UTC)
Awwww, grazie mille!!! Devo dire che è stata proprio una bella sorpresa da trovare!!! Prima di leggere le notifiche e trovare poi quella che mi avevi spedito, avevo visto apparire la fic sulla mia friend list e già ero contenta che avessi scritto una Dean/Cas, figurati poi quando mi sono accorta - leggendo le note - che era quella del mio prompt ♥

La storia è davvero bella... tra l'altro, leggendola ora, è stato bello "riscoprire" quelle emozioni legate alla fine della scorsa stagione... ora Dean e Cas sono in una situazione davvero molto molto differente. Mi è piaciuta molto la scelta di escludere i dialoghi, se non nella parte finale... l'effetto di concentrarsi sulle sensazioni fisiche ed emotive è risultato ancora più accentuato ♥

Grazie mille!!!!
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural + nick cave = otpjanie_tangerine on March 28th, 2011 11:04 am (UTC)
Prego e scusa ancora per i... uuuuh, nove mesi di ritardo? Della serie le cose le faccio ma il mio tempismo è penoso. ;) Seriamente, contentissima che ti sia piaciuta e diciamo che sì, quando l'ho ripresa ho evitato di pensarci alla situazione corrente o non avrebbe funzionato. Oddio mi manca la S5 delle volte. Grazie ancora! ♥
cousinmarycousinmary on March 27th, 2011 05:16 pm (UTC)
This was just lovely :)
the female ghost of tom joad: !!! <3janie_tangerine on March 27th, 2011 07:27 pm (UTC)
Much glad you thought so, thank you! :D
Nicole Sillnicole_sill on March 27th, 2011 08:00 pm (UTC)
i really really liked this one. The title is quiet distracting from all the lovely peen. I liked the tender moments between the two of them. ie Dean kissing Castiel's palm after he puts it on his cheek. Thanks for sharing this.
the female ghost of tom joad: misha HIIIIIIjanie_tangerine on March 28th, 2011 10:52 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! it's great to know it worked for you (and that the title did too but ha that's totally a case of me finding one after I finished the fic, er XD). You're welcome! ♥
getting the chocolate in the peanut butter: spn:deancas:parkbenchdotfic on March 28th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
What a gorgeous look inside Castiel's pov, and the way he and Dean find their way to each other here is lovely and hot.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas riverjanie_tangerine on March 28th, 2011 11:01 am (UTC)
Aw, thank you for reading! :D I'm so glad that you liked it, and that the whole balance between them here worked for you.
i want to huggle you (and your little dog, too): adoreblue_fjords on March 28th, 2011 05:21 am (UTC)
Go you, finishing a WIP! Rock on! And such a tender and hot one, too. I'm a total sucker for the wrist kiss at the end, too.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas don't ever changejanie_tangerine on March 28th, 2011 11:02 am (UTC)
Now I just hope I can finish the other sixteen languishing in my folder, er. ;) But thanks so much! I'm so glad that it worked for you. And I might have a thing for wrist-kissing so good to know it felt appropriate. ;)
lover all alone: SPN: Dean/Castiel All of it for youinvisiblelove on March 28th, 2011 04:07 pm (UTC)
UNF this was so sweet and romantic and sexy and just all around a win ;) Loved it, sweets!! <33333
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural + nick cave = otpjanie_tangerine on March 28th, 2011 09:38 pm (UTC)
Ee thank you! :DDDD it's awesome to know that you liked it that much ♥♥♥♥
writingpathways on March 28th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
the female ghost of tom joad: jen/misha kissjanie_tangerine on March 29th, 2011 11:48 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! <3
Cat: fangirl, author, artist, and icon maker.catvampcrazines on March 29th, 2011 05:17 am (UTC)
Thank you for this special read. You totally gave something to my craving to read into Cas' mind. This had that soothing overtone even while showing us his thoughts, dismay, varying emotions, and hothot passion. Great quality of writing with Dean as well. *sighs*

Again, thanks so much for the special trip along with these two!
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural castiel adorablejanie_tangerine on March 29th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you so very much! :DDD I'm so glad that it worked for you and that you liked the POV (I tend to do Dean more, but just because he's easier ;) ) and generally that you liked it this much. Thanks again! ♥
getting the chocolate in the peanut butter: spn:impalettedotfic on March 31st, 2011 08:30 pm (UTC)
Congrats! Our team has recced you here at crack_impala.
the female ghost of tom joad: WIN!janie_tangerine on March 31st, 2011 10:30 pm (UTC)
Oh my, thank you! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *is flattered*