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26 November 2012 @ 11:04 pm
fic, SPN: hallelujah you love him so (Dean/Castiel), PG  
Title: hallelujah you love him so [AO3]
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG13
Word count: 1500 ca
Spoilers: 8x07 coda
Warnings: nothing really.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, sadly for me.
Summary: If it’s worth something, your side is where I wanted to be all along; it’s the only place where I’ve ever wanted to see you. Or, where Dean and Castiel share the Impala's backseat and some things are talked out.
A/N: sooo, uhm, in September it was maharetishtar's birthday and I asked her for a prompt and she said Dean/Cas where they cuddle up in the back of the Impala. Says everything that it took me two months and last episode to actually do it the way I wanted, but I wanted to do a coda for it and it fit, so there we go. Title slightly reworked from an Animals song. Also, second person POV. Using for my homebrew_bingo wild card square.

I’m sorry, you don’t tell him as you sit in relatively comfortable silence in the back of his car. You’re not sure that it would be welcomed right now, or that it would even make sense to say it at all. You had honestly not thought that he could ever blame himself for leaving you behind when you had been the one wanting to stay. You thought that he would get it – after all, he fought you when you pulled him out of Hell more than one lifetime ago, because he thought he didn’t deserve to be elsewhere. If anyone in the world could get it, then it’d be him.

You should have known better. You know him better. And you should have realized that after all the effort he had put into finding you, he wouldn’t have taken it the way you hoped. The thing is that knowing this shouldn’t make you feel… not quite elated, but close. You hadn’t thought that he’d blame himself. You hadn’t thought he’d miss you that much. You hadn’t quite wanted to believe that he actually meant everything he said when he found you again, in spite of all the evidence of the contrary. And now that you have to believe it, it’s not the reaction you should be having.

You can’t bring yourself to care as much as you think you should.

Is it selfish? , you’re tempted to ask him, but then you don’t – you’re not sure you want to bring that up at all. It’s nice, to sit here like this, your side barely brushing his, and you don’t want to ruin it. But you know that Dean is still thinking about it, you’ve felt it since Sam interrupted your conversation, and you know what he must be thinking right now.

Stop thinking that I didn’t choose to go with you, you finally say, and your voice sounds a lot louder than you thought you would.

And what was that about then? , Dean whispers a moment later. But it doesn’t sound like a whisper, not in the still dead silence surrounding the two of you.

I thought I didn’t deserve to go with you. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to come, you reply, hoping that it comes through, hoping that human words don’t fail you for the umpteenth time.

Dean laughs, even if it’s more of a snort than a real laugh, and when he presses up close against you, you don’t dare moving. I wish I could tell you you’re full of shit, but you could throw that right back at me, couldn’t you?

And you could, and you’re glad that he realizes it, but that’s not what you think you should say, or do. If it’s worth something, your side is where I wanted to be all along. You doesn’t specify that all along isn’t referring to just now, but to a long time. Up to when you left him to rake leaves because you didn’t want to ruin his chance at happiness – and that happened anyway.

He turns and looks at you, his eyes going wide the same way they had this afternoon, and you don’t know you’re holding your breath (since when do you breathe without even realizing it?) until his fingers press against your collarbone. You idiot, he says, it’s the only place where I’ve ever wanted to see you. There’s so little space between the two of you right now that it’s making you feel dizzy, and you shouldn’t think about how long you’ve wished to hear him say it. You reach out with your hand, brush your fingers against his cheek, and you aren’t expecting him to close his eyes and breathe out almost in relief. It doesn’t help that it’s cramped in the back, and that you’re even closer now. You’ve held yourself back for years by now, and even in Purgatory you didn’t let yourself hold him back when he pulled you close, but there’s nothing to stop you now, is it? And before you hadn’t known what would the reaction be, but now, maybe –

You breathe in, again, and brush your lips against his without pushing, hoping that you understood right, and a moment later he has a hand curled in the hair at the back of your head and kissing you for real. It’s nowhere like the only other kiss you ever had – that one you can barely remember and you only wanted to release something because you felt frustrated; this one is long and Dean’s tongue is running along your lips and his free hand is cupping your cheek, and you press against it with a sigh, feeling your own limbs melt against him. You reach out with your free hand, wrapping your arm around his middle the way you had wanted to do back there, and then he’s pressed up close and after his mouth moves away from yours to breathe, he’s kissing you again, a bit more rushed now, but there’s nothing about it that feels wrong. It all feels so very right as he moves so that your back is against the window and that you’re both more or less lying on the backseat. When he moves back again for air, you don’t wait for him and press your lips to the corner of his mouth, the back of his ear, his temple and then his mouth again; each time you feel his shoulders lose a bit more tension until you’re melting with the seat and he’s melting over you. If you had known it would feel this good you wouldn’t have waited years, and if you had known he would have welcomed it, you would have done it as soon as you realized what it was that you felt for him.

Right now, you can’t care about the mere concept of feeling being something that should be foreign to you as a species.

You want to tell him that if you could do it again you’d try to go with him because you just didn’t understand that not doing it would have just made things worse, but maybe there’s no need to.

I made a mistake, you say, and you wish your voice didn’t sound this loud even if you’re doing everything that you can to keep it down. I don’t plan on doing it again. You made more than one mistake, truthfully, but you know that right now there’s just one that matters.

Yeah? That a deal? Dean asks against your neck, your pulse point beating erratically right next to his mouth, and it shouldn’t but you don’t care. You reach up with one hand, leaving the other around his waist, and you run it through his hair once, twice, wishing you had let yourself do that a long time ago. It took a lot to stop yourself from it in Purgatory, where everything was so pure and hard to resist and where the both of you were stripped raw enough that there was no hiding what you were feeling. And you can’t seem to stop yourself now. You want to touch him everywhere for as long as you can, but for now this is more than enough.

Angels don’t make deals, you answer, and he laughs (this time is genuine), and it thrums against your neck and you want to commit that sensation to memory. You can feel him thinking don’t ever change and you don’t say that you never planned on that. But for you I can make an exception. It wouldn’t be the first, anyway.

He looks up at you, his hand grasping your cheek again, pulling himself up slightly. Nice. Suppose I should seal it then, and he’s kissing you again with all the calm in the world, and you kiss him back without hurrying because why do that when there’s an entire night in front of you? Now you’re feeling elated, as you press your lips against his jaw and his cheek and his mouth again.

You don’t even know that this feeling of rightness surging up from inside you has somehow burst right out of you until the radio turns on without the car’s engine starting. It’s not as loud as the music Dean listened to whenever you happened to be in the car, the singer says that it’s his life and he’ll do what he wants, and Dean laughs into the kiss, his lips curling upwards.

That was you, huh?

You nod, and he smiles again. Don’t feel like you need to shut it off. I like it better now.

You forget about the radio as he reaches out and closes his fingers around your arm – you had been meaning to put it around him again – and as he kisses the inside of your wrist.

You don’t need to tell him that you like this better, too.

feeling: okayokay
on rotation: warbrain - alkaline trio
cassiopeia7: &hearts!cassiopeia7 on November 27th, 2012 12:07 am (UTC)
You had honestly not thought that he could ever blame himself for leaving you behind when you had been the one wanting to stay. You thought that he would get it – after all, he fought you when you pulled him out of Hell more than one lifetime ago, because he thought he didn’t deserve to be elsewhere. If anyone in the world could get it, then it’d be him.

Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. And yet Dean didn't get it, because, just like a certain angel of a long time ago, Dean couldn't understand that the person he was trying to rescue . . . didn't believe that he deserved to be saved.

Dayum, woman. Brilliant reversal! Way to cut to the heart of the matter. &hearts

. . . and Bon Jovi, too? Perfection, bb! *hugs you*

Edited at 2012-11-27 12:08 am (UTC)
the female ghost of tom joad: ILUjanie_tangerine on November 27th, 2012 12:13 am (UTC)
I was going to rant about that possible parallel in the review I didn't manage to post, but I figured it'd fit nicely here. And it was the only explanation that made sense in Cas-logic for which he'd ever want to stay behind while being convinced that it'd turn out good for the both of them. Anyway, rant done xD glad you liked it!! ♥

(Also the song at the end was supposed to be The Animals - in the episode Dean was listening to a song of theirs and in my greatest hits the one after said song is It's My Life, but since BJ covered that one a lot before doing their own It's My LIfe it's sort of a BJ thing too. ;) )
i'm on a website where people fuck fruit: SPN Dean+Cas6geckoholic on November 30th, 2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
Ohh, I like this a lot. :D
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas angstjanie_tangerine on December 1st, 2012 06:46 pm (UTC)
And I'm very glad you do, thank you! :)
forever a lake effect kidkeeraa on December 1st, 2012 06:55 pm (UTC)
This is freaking GREAT. I love fics from Cas' perspective, we don't get enough of those :P So sweet and hot and gosh this is awesome! Love it :)
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural castiel 3.0janie_tangerine on December 6th, 2012 03:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you so very much! :D I'm really glad that you liked it. &hearts:
jalan_lovejalan_love on March 13th, 2013 02:30 pm (UTC)
Wow !
just wow !
it was beautiful and I loved it a lot ! like a loooot !
brilliant, because that feel really real !
you did it right !
I will rec you on tumblr on my destiel rec list.
I am beccaoneilljackson if you want to look at.
hope you'll write others like that ! Let me know if you do please, don't wanna miss it.
the female ghost of tom joad: supernatural dean/cas s7janie_tangerine on March 23rd, 2013 10:34 pm (UTC)
Aw, thanks so much! :DD I'm really glad that you liked it, and thank you so much for the rec! <333