1) Hi, I'm dead. Like, seriously, what-the-fuck-did-happen-in-this-episode I'm not even sure I can even.
2) Okay, let's get out of the way the WTF first. So.. like.. this entire thing about Pod's prowess in bed keeps on being totally senseless if you ask me. maybe at some point they'll actually show it having a point, but for now I'm just mainly 'what the hell'. Then: er what Ros knows that LF wants to bring Sansa to the Vale and she tells Varys for - for what? I mean, I'm totally cool with Ros actually doing something instead of getting naked - like, if she has to be there at least have her do something useful, but where the hell are they even aiming?
I still think that LF finds her out and sends her back North and she's Jeyne Poole's replacement. Like. Uh. CAN SOMEONE JUST PLEASE GIVE ME A LOT OF GOOD REASONS WHY I MIGHT BE WRONG, THANKS?
3) ... uh. If they wanted to show us that Varys can be creepy, they did. That wasn't in the book, right?
4) Tywin telling straight to Cersei that he doesn't trust her because she thinks she's a lot smarter than she *really* is was gold though. See, that's why I can't hate Tywin, he makes too much sense for me to hate him. Even if HAHAHAH I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HE WAS WRITING ABOUT HELP.
5) Joffrey and Margaery scenes just make me cackle endlessly because if you know how that ends it's just hilarious. On the other side, Margaery and Sansa are actually sweet.
6) YAY DANY'S STORY IS GOING SOMEWHERE THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING IT RIGHT! Also: was it just me or Jorah, Missandei and Barristan were ridiculously turned on when she put the slaver dude on fire? I predict a lot of frustration-driven orgies. I also have nothing more relevant to add but I mean it was done awesomely and now I just wish I didn't lose 80% of my taste for Dany's storyline between S2 and ADWD.
7) By the time this story is over, Bran is going to need so much therapy. D: then again I'm good with the fact that they're showing his dreams because hey I mean there's a chance they'll do the same with Jaime later.
8) No Tullys = DDDD:, no Robb = moderate D: (I mean, as they're doing it I can take it or leave it), no Talisa = reason why I enjoyed this a lot more overall than the others. Sorry not sorry.
9) SANDOOORRRRRR I MISSED YOU. And finally it looks like they actually understood how he's supposed to act? I mean, in comparison to last season this was the feast of IC, Sandor-related. Also WAS THAT BERIC YOU LOOK GOOD. And Aryaaaaa ;___; ARYAAAA ;___; *CRIES FOREVER*
10) Olenna Tyrell is still vastly entertaining.
11) JAIME. JAIME.
SHJDAKJDHKDHFDKJFHDSKHFKDJSHFJKSHFDDHFK CAN I JUST BE HERE SQUEEING THEY'RE DOING THESE SCENES SO WELL DJFHSJFKHSJKFH *JAIMEEE*.
I just - his face. His dejected face. EVERYTHING. AND HE TRIED TO ESCAPE AND BRIENNE WAS TOTALLY LOOKING AT HIM LIKE 'OMG THAT'S HOPELESS BUT I FUCKING RESPECT YOU' AND THEN SHE JUMPED OUT OF THE HORSE EVEN IF SHE HAD HER HANDS TIED BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T TAKE THAT ANYMORE AND THEY KEPT THE PART WHERE SHE TELLS HIM NOT TO BE A CRAVEN and while the 'you're behaving like a woman' line kind of jarred me at first I think that in the context she just wanted to rile him up and that was probably the best way she thought of. And when she asked him why he saved her and her face just went from 'the fuck are you doing stop whining' to 'I wish I could hug you damn you' I just - can someone give Gwen an award or two. And to NCW too because seriously ahkjsafhjkdhf. and 'I WAS THAT SWORD HAND' you idiot YOU'RE BETTER THAN YOUR STUPID SWORD HAND *dies of Jaime feels* Those two I can't I just they're perfect and SEE HBO THAT'S HOW YOU CHANGE SUBTLE THINGS THAT WE EVENTUALLY DON'T MIND BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SHIT UP. Sigh. Jaime. JAIME. ;_____;
12) Speaking of awards: people. Seriously. Can someone just go and recognize that Alfie Allen would totally rank in the 'the five people who can act best in this entire show' instead of asking him 'how does it feel when people hate your character' whenever they interview him? I just - this entire arc was going to make me weep regardless but he's completely and utterly killing it and I just don't get why I don't see every single fucking review around stating it. I just - THAT ENTIRE PART BEFORE THEY WENT BEYOND THE DOOR (and seriously Theon WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST NOTICE THAT NO ONE WHO HADN'T BEEN AT DEEPWOOD MOTTE WOULD HAVE HAD THE KEYS ;____;) and he started monologuing was the most heartwrenching thing I've seen lately and fhksdjghdfjgdjk THEEEOOOONNNNN. Let's not get into the mind games from before because seriously the fact that Ramsay knew exactly what to say to push the right buttons (*I saw you when you left Pyke!*) was already enough to make me want to scream, but just - the more he spilled the more I went like STOP IT YOU IDIOT HE'S GOING TO USE THAT AGAINST YOU LATER NOOO. Also, confession: I muted the audio when they nailed him back on the cross because I just couldn't hear it. Then I looked at the gifs and seen the dialogue I had missed and pretty much went and cried. Also: Iwan Rheon congratulations on the creepy face you made at the last scene because - uuuh - I just - it totally scared me shitless. As much as I'm not looking forward to see how it goes now I'll have to give it to him, he can act the part. Woah. Uh. This season is going to traumatize me forever.
Also: that line about Theon saying that Ned was his real father... I've seen around that it's OOC at this point and I can see why, but I don't think it was too much the case. First thing: they probably put it in for the same reason they had Cat's speech about Jon ie making him sympathetic to the tv audience, but while Cat's speech about Jon was completely out of the blue, I don't think that one was. Mostly: the audience for this show is ridiculously thick because seriously, I've seen people disliking Theon regardless of the fact that they've been spending two seasons making us get *why* he did the shit he did (seriously, for all I can complain about the show I think that they always presented Theon in a mostly sympathetic light) and I really fucking don't get how if you only watch the show you can say that *he's worse than Joffrey/betrayed the Starks* etcetera, so I'm mostly inclined to think that since this was the last time for the next fucking two seasons at least when this guy won't be seen tortured/chained somewhere and when he actually could speak his mind freely, it was the last occasion for them to actually try to win the audience over. Other than that: I don't think that book!Theon would have ever though of Ned in fatherly terms at this point, but in the show I always thought that he's... well, he generally lies to himself a lot less. IE: in the show he outright refuses to go to the Wall because he thinks the situation is totally lost already and he actually showed himself being pretty emotional to Luwin, while in the book he had fully considered it and was ready to go for it, regardless of the fact that the situation was still completely lost and he certainly didn't go tell Luwin how much it sucked to spend ten years being a hostage - I don't know if I explained myself, but I have the impression that in the show they always had him being a lot more aware of the shit going on with him than he was in the book. Now, if he says that Ned was his real father it's mostly Stockholm Syndrome in all its glory, but considering the show's characterization I don't think that it's so OOC that he arrived to that conclusion at this point. Let's also not forget that he's been tortured first, then almost raped, now he thinks he can trust the guy he's with, he's being emotional
and he's opening up to the one person that he can count as a friend right now - in comparison to how things were when Ned was alive and he lived at Winterfell and Robb was there of course to him it seems like some kind of fairytale right now. Regardless of the fact that it *wasn't*, but it's the same thing that was going on in ADWD - the fact that while he was trying to get out of the Reek persona he remembered his life at Winterfell like the best that ever was doesn't necessarily mean that he couldn't have thought the exact same thing while he was being tortured but he still hadn't broken down completely. Also in S2 he did tell Robb 'your father raised me like this and that EVEN IF I WASN'T A STARK' so I mean, if we're talking show characterization it does make sense that he might consider Ned his surrogate father on *some* level though most likely it's something he likes to think when he wasn't worrying about Ned cutting his head. This is obviously just valid for the show, but I don't really think that it's the kind of wild OOC that was Catelyn regretting that she treated Jon wrong or the way Robb is behaving right now.
tldr: give Alfie some fucking award, okay. Also: HOW COULD SOMEONE LIKE THAT EVER BE A BROTHER TO ME THEON STOP IT YOU IDIOT HE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS BROTHER SHUT IT HE LOVED YOU THE WAY YOU WERE OF COURSE HE DID DON'T DO THIS TO ME STOP IT. Welcome everyone to Robb/Theon, the only ship where even when they're separated and supposedly hating each other not only they don't (seriously Robb in the second episode? He so doesn't *hate* him), but they still kill you with feelings. Congrats.
Jesus, I just looked at the wall of text I just left - it seems like I watch this show just for Theon but I swear I like mostly everyone else too. /o\
I also feel like the point about Jaime and Brienne is ridiculously short in comparison to Theon but I mean, the only thing I have to say about Jaime and Brienne is squeeing about how flawless it was, so.
13) Also, this episode was the proof that if Talisa isn't there I enjoy everything a lot more. Just saying.
14) Oh wait I was forgetting: NOOOO MORMONT DDDD: I WASN'T READY FOR THE RIOT AT CRASTER'S TO HAPPEN SO SOON *WEEPS WILDLY* also Dolorus Edd is the best character ever seriously just put the Wall people in charge of everything yes. And SAM.
SAM. SAM I JUST - I LOVE YOU. HE SAVED GILLY! <3 HE SAVED THE BABY TOO! AND AFTER HE WAS SO DEJECTED LAST EPISODE! Just seriously I just want to go give him a hug and tell him that he's the best person ever, can we just? I vote for Sam in charge of everything including the other black brothers in charge of the rest, thanks.
15) In conclusion: overall this probably was the episode I enjoyed more this season because there wasn't anything I could get angry about (90% of the time = Talisa, the other 10% = the sexposition). Hopefully they're keeping on like this? For now it's been a lot better than S2 was, I'll keep on saying it until they make me change my mind. *crosses fingers*
16) But Theon, fuck everything. *cries*